milestones

It is finally Christmas week. How exciting for three little boys. Tonight we made Christmas cookies and put them in cute boxes for friends and neighbors. We had our visit with Santa clause on Monday and all three boys were actually looking at the camara and no crying from any of them. This week we will focus on Christmas and enjoying the season.

I went in for my endoscopy this week and I am just waiting to find out from the biopsy what bacteria is causing all this inflammation in my stomach. I have been able to give up alot of my bad diet choices because I just can't tolerate them anymore so I am hoping to start dropping some pounds. Or at least some inches (from the hips please, not the height)

Carter started undressing tonight and said very plainly, "Pee pee". I took his diaper off and he ran upstair to the toilet. I sat him on it and HE PEED! I was so shocked. I am still in shock. He isn't even 2 yet. He is growing up so fast.

I will post pictures of the santa picture soon.

Today I am thankful for Fall. It was a beautiful morning and the leaves were falling from the trees and dancing across the road. The trees looked beautiful. Some of the leaves actually look like they are on fire their red color is so vibrant.

A dream is a wish your heart makes when youre fast asleep.....my heart is missing someone I loved dearly and dreaming is the only way I see this person anymore. I wonder if they still love me?

Today I am thankful for agency. I am thankful that I can make my own choices and be free to decide for myself what I want in my life and how I want to live. I get to decide every morning when I wake up if I want to stay home or go to the store. Simple decisions about life but I am thankful for the freedom to make them and the agency that has been given to me.

Cookies

Tonight was Carters first time making homade cookies with mom. He was so excited to put all the ingredients in the bowl and turn on the beaters. The cookies turned out really good too. I'm grateful for this memory. And the cookies were peanut butter chocolate chip. YUMMY

Carter is such a special little kid. He has so many people around him that love him and want him to be with them all the time. I know how hard it is to be away from him and miss him so much and I know that others feel that way too. I hope he grows up knowing how much he was loved and wanted by so many people.

I am grateful for a soft bed today. It was a very busy day and I am enjoying my soft bed. I know that there are people in the world that dont have a bed to lay in at night and I appreciate that I have one and it is so soft.

I tell my kids everyday "I love you" and today I heard the sweet voice of my baby say back "Wuv you" It made my whole day special. Carter is really starting to talk and I love hearing his little voice.

Today I am grateful for a weekend ahead of me that I get to spend with my family. Tomorrow we are going to the aquarium for Jaxsons birthday and Im grateful for all the smiles that will be burned into my memory tomorrow. We read a book tonight all about sharks so we are ready to see them all up close and live.

Today is Jade's birthday. The angry bird cupcakes are for Jaxson's birthday party at school tomorrow but I thought they turned out so cute so I put a picture. I am thankful today to be a mother. I LOVE doing things to make my little boys happy. And they make me so happy everyday. Jaxson said to me this morning, "mom, did you have a good sleep last night?" He is my thoughtful little guy. Carter is so lovey right now and says, mommy, mommy, mommy, and runs to my arms. I love the feeling of his little arms around my neck. And Connor is so much fun to talk to right now. He is finally starting to get old enough to have adult conversations with. My little boys are so sweet and told me yesterday that they want a new brother or sister more than a new house or car. They love each other so much and it makes me so happy to be apart of their lives. I remember a time in my life when I thought I would never have the opportunity to be a mother. I was devestated because I wanted a child of my own so badly. With every single one of my boys, the minute they were born and placed in my arms, I felt God clearly tell me how much he loved me. I know that I talk about my kids alot on this blog and brag but I truly love them all more than anything else in my life.

We had a great dinner out without kids tonight to an excellent Italian restaurant. It was nice to sit and talk without little voices interrupting. It has been a rough year for us, but we are still holding on and I am grateful for a kind, forgiving husband. I haven't always appreciated him and I have taken him for granted but I truly love and appreciate how he cares for me. He surprises me everyday with how strong he is and what a great man he truly is. I am a very lucky girl who came close to losing the only friend that truly loves me and gave me such wonderful little boys. I will never take that for granted again.

Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not. D&C 6:36.

Today I am grateful that I am never alone.

I spent the day making birthday cupcakes for Jaxson. 24 angry bird cupcakes in all. This weekend will a family celebration of birthdays!

November is a month of Thanksgiving. Everyday I am going to blog about my gratitude.I am grateful that I have been given a second chance at life. I realize the many different ways my life could have been without a forgiving family. I am so grateful that I didnt get stuck with worthless and that I have a chance to start over and be even better than before.

The human brain is an amazing organ. The information it can collect and save is endless. Its amazing that I can have a dream last night of being in my grandmas bedroom and my mind can recall the way she smelled. Something I had forgotten. I had forgotten her smell and her voice and one dream brought it flooding back. And in my dream I was doing what I did so many times as a child, I was looking through her clothes and jewelry. And I remembered her so well. And she was so close to me. I miss her but I love that I can remember her through a dream

jaxson

J is for joy. You have brought so much joy into my life since the morning you were born.

A is for act. Your presence in my life makes me want to act like a better person.

X is for xoxo. You always give me the right amount of hugs and kisses when I need them.

S is for sacrifice. There is NOTHING I wouldnt sacrifice in my life for you.

O is for only. There is only one Jaxson. And I wouldnt have it any other way.

N is for never. I will make sure you NEVER forget how much I love you!

Some Jaxson phrases:

Now thats what Im talking about

Let me tell you something about this

You are my best friend

Mom, can u close your eyes so I can get some snacks?

And we will never forget Jaxsons winning moment at the halloween party where he won best costume for being an angry bird. He gladly skipped up to the stage and took the microphone and said as loud as he could "Im Jaxson and Im an angry bird"

The Lord uses a scale very different from the world's to weigh the worth of a soul .......Dieter F. Uchtdorf

This month has been an up and down of happiness and sadness. Most of the times, pure happiness because I am a lucky woman to have a great husband and three beautiful kids. Sadness, because for the first time in my life, I have pure hate in my heart. I hate a person so much that it actually makes myself hurt. Hate is a much different emotion than I ever expected it to be. You watch the TV programs where the scorned woman hates the man so much that she consumes her time boiling with rage. True hate is as I have discovered the most intense feeling of just regret. I just want this person to never appear in my life again.

I was distracted away from the important things in my life by something that was worthless. I have found myself again and the woman that I was before I made a really bad choice that I regret. I have discovered the true beauty of the atonement. I am not going to say that I am perfect again or that I ever was, I am just happy to have found the beauty of life again. And as I stated in the previous paragraph, I am still working on so many emotions and consequences of picking a path that should not have been taken, but because of the atonement, I can be restored to the kind of person I desire to be.

And the most beautiful part of everyday is that I look at my three beautiful little boys and I know that I am doing what I should have been doing from the very beginning.......working on myself so that I can be the mother they need to lead them in the world. I have been exposed to the worse part of the world in the past year and I have realized the danger my boys will face growing up in this world. I know the woman I have to be to raise them safe.



......Dont go away mad, just go away.....................................................

Trunk or Treat

I wouldnt have nothing, if I didnt have you

Today was a day of relaxation. (sort of) Carter is a full blown toddler full of trouble. He gets into everything. Poor Dallas can no longer use his dog door because Carter uses it to escape into the backyard. It is bringing back memories to toddle proof the house again. I remember having both Connor and Jaxson at this age and having some of the best times of my life. Carter has been a bitter sweet situation. I have had to battle since he was born against the worse kind of forces that would take a baby away from his mother. I would never regret having Carter or ever give him up without a fight. Because I do not claim to be perfect and I would be unrealistic if I said that I have never made mistakes as a mother but I love my little boys unconditionally. And I am grateful for a man in my life who is a good man to those boys.

Halloween monsters

I still love Fall but I hate the colds that come with the change of the season. Cold germs have spread from oldest to youngest in this house this week. We have also had ulcers and kidney stones.......A month of the plaque. Carter is the newest victim and his nose has turned into a fountain of yucky goo. He has also learned how to stick his finger up there and to say the word "yellow". Not because of his nose but because I have been spending at least thirty minutes a day with him teaching him his colors. He now tells me "poo" but only after he has already gone but we have been practicing sitting on the toilet. Jaxson is learning so much in kindergarten and is truly my best little friend. He has the sweetest spirit ever and makes me remember everyday that there is happiness through sadness. Connor is doing well in third grade and works so hard on his hockey. He scores at least one goal every game. I know that I am a lucky woman because I truly have been blessed with three of the sweetest little boys. Without them I would be lost.

Today the leaves were blowing across the road and over the lawns and the air smelled like Fall. I love it. I love trick or treating. I love wearing light jackets and sweaters. I LOVE fall food. My patient had a family member bring in fresh from the tree apples and they were so crisp and sweet. I decided that I have been a selfish cook and only cook the dinners I like but I decided to step out of myself. I made the boys a roast today with potatoes and carrots. It simmered all day in the slow cooker so the whole house smells like roast. I know some people love the smell of a roast simmering but I prefer something sweeter like pumpkin or cookies. But I still enjoyed the smell of roast better than the smell of work. Tuesday we are heading to johnsons farm to pumpkin and apple pick during the afternoon. I cant wait to take hayride with the little boys.

Is it October already? I can't believe in a few short weeks we will be Trick or Treating. The boys are so excited this year to go. Connor is going to be a scary skeleton/grim reaper. Jaxson is going to be the red angry bird. I am making his costume and it has been so much fun. I can't wait to see how cute he is going to look on Halloween. I got a red shirt and glued and sewed feathers all over the front of it. Carter is going to be a little monster. He has perfected his monster growl. Whenever he sees anything scary or a monster he growls. Dallas the dog is going to be a bumble bee. I'm sure he will be thrilled with his costume.( Jaxson picked it out)

My favorite album right now is still Adele and I love driving around with my boys because they all sing along with the CD. Connor and Jaxson are growing up so fast. I miss having them as little babies but enjoy them as little boys too.

Carter is getting older now and becoming more independent and I miss having a baby. I think I must be crazy. I don't think I will ever not want to have little babies. I should have married someone who wanted 10 kids because I just can't stop missing that baby phase. I love the smell of newborns. The top of my babies heads smell like heaven to me. I love kissing little baby lips. And NOTHING in life is better than having a new baby wrapped all up and laying against your chest with their sweet milk breath blowing on your cheek. I love the age Carter is right now too. I love that he can walk and play and be independent and I love hearing him say, "mommy, mommy, mommy" and the way he holds out his arms for me to pick him up and hold him. Little arms wrapped around your neck feels divine. I would give my children anything. I would give them my happiness, life, or body if they needed it. And I still don't feel like it would be as much as they have given to me. For eight years they have been my happiness in life and in times where I didn't feel like going on anymore, they were my reason.

Carter 17 months

These are pictures I got taken of Carter while we were out in Utah. It was a day I will never forget.

Today we spent the day in the house since it was a rainy, fall day. We made chicken noodle soup, homeade rolls, and real oreo cookies from scratch. It was a yummy dinner. Carter enjoyed it the most. He sat at the table for a whole hour. In between cooking, I made Jaxson a new blankie. His old, Thomas the train blanket "disappeared" a few months ago so he picked out a Spongebob SquarePants material and he is happily wrapped in it on the couch.

My new favorite show is Billy the Exerminator. I could watch it all day. Maybe I should quit nursing and go be Billy's assistant.

Jaxson starts school

Getting off the bus after the first day of school

First day of kindergarten!


And a week later, a lost tooth! It has been a busy month for Jaxson

School started and both boys survived their first and second days. The magic of kindergarten has worn off and Jaxson cried this morning when I told him it was another day of school. I was all alone in the morning after Connor and Jaxson both left and I didnt know what to do with myself. It has been so long since I have been all alone. I wish I could say I did something exciting but I didnt. I cleaned and exercised and tried to remember all of the goals and dreams I had left to accomplish and which ones I could start working on. I heard a song on the radio today and I got very homesick for Utah. I miss the mountains and the feeling I get being there. After rereading this post I realize why I still have goals to accomplish.......my thoughts just jump too quickly from one place to the next. Maybe they will slow down with age?

This weekend has been very exciting. Connors hockey team won first place in a tournament they played. His dream of winning a first place trophy finally came true. It is so much fun to see him getting so excited for sports. He is currently doing both soccer and hockey.

Both boys start school on Tuesday. I cant believe that Jaxson is in kindergarten. Where does time go? He asks me every day"Mom, do I go to school today?" He is really hung up on being 5 years old and likes to tell us that when he is 6 he will be able to do everything. Six is the magic number. Connor is less excited for school because he got a teacher that he didnt want to have. I know he will be fine because he is a good kid but he is scared.

Knock and it shall be opened unto you


One day I'm going to get a picture of Carter as a man standing in this same spot

Half way to the doors

Dear Carter,

I will never forget the fun we had in Utah together or the closeness that I had being with you. Sometimes it's hard with the business of life and it was nice just to spend time with you in Utah with nothing to distract us or bring us down. My favorite memory from our trip will always be the time we spent together Sunday August 28th in American Fork at the Timpanogos Temple. You were so beautiful and happy running around the temple and smelling the flowers. Being the youngest, you have been surrounded by people since your birth that have given you love and attention and it was nice to have all your attention and love for 9 days and that I was able to focus all my love and attention just on you. You started saying, "baby", "what's that", and "no touch" while on vacation. You are really starting to repeat words that you hear and what use to be baby babble is starting to come out as real words. It makes me sad to see you transitioning from a baby to a toddler but it makes me happy too that you are growing and healthy. One day you may be angry at me, and you may even think that you don't like me but I will ALWAYS do my best to tell you and make you feel how much I love you and love having you in my life. I got the strongest feeling when walking around the temple with you that you were born into this world to be something very special. You are deeply loved by those around you.

Love

Mom

This week has been so busy. I sat down with the boys on Monday and we planned the week of fun. Yesterday we went to the Philadelphia Zoo. The boys had so much fun looking at all the animals. Carter was let into the petting farm for the first time yesterday. He was beyond excited to brush all the goats down. He tried to climb on a few of them and ride away. We had a healthy lunch and played in the playhouse. It was not too hot outside so we had a nice time. AND....the boys were exhausted last night which meant I got an 8:30 PM bedtime. (Not worth the 6:00 AM wake up)

Today we finished school shopping. Connor has put all the erasers on his pencils and placed them all in his pencil box. (think I am over excited for school to start?) This afternoon we are making cookies and treats.

Tomorrow we are heading down to Maryland to see Skyler and the boys and swim on Aunt Sherries beach. It will be nice to see family and the boys love playing with Skylers boys.

What I think about at 1 AM

I have a container of blueberries in my fridge because I love the person I bought them for

Sometimes life is just not fair, it is part of life.

Most of the hard times encountered in ones own life are the consequences of poor choices made

I want to grow old in a house with a wrap around porch and a rocking chair

Most days, I can't stand the smells of being a nurse

I love babies especially mine. I love to smell the top of their heads and lay close enough when they are sleeping to smell their milk breath

I am not finished having kids. I am going to have at least one more and I really don't care if I have a boy or a girl.

I love laying down in the afternoon and taking a nap. It is so relaxing.

I love the smell of cherry blossoms. It is my favorite lotion and I don't wear perfume, I wear cherry blossom body spray

I think I am most beautiful when I am surrounded by my kids. I think it is because they make me so happy

I have people in my life that I love, and they don't love me

I am slow to anger but once I release it, I usually over do it and then cry because I regret it

I drive down the road most days and have flashbacks of driving down Provo roads.

I searched all day today for airline tickets to go home. I am homesick

This week my grandma has been dead for 6 years and it still feels like yesterday. I miss her alot.

Jaxson makes me laugh because he has his own sayings which include, WHAT? Are you serious? Now that's what I'm talking about. And he is 100% jealous of his little brother Carter.

I love that I can have more adult like conversation with Connor. He is such a great little boy. He has the kindest spirit and his dads sense of humor and playfulness.

I have to be to work in 7 hours and I'm falling asleep at this lap top.

I can hear Carter in my room snoring. We had a great day.

After my shift tomorrow, I have ten days off in a row. I am making the best of the time and want to go on vacation. I am seriously considering driving my older boys to florida to disney world.

There is nothing worse than a thorn without a rose

I got the day off so I spent the day with my little buddy Carter. I love him so much and I am grateful to have him in my life. All of my boys were the best gifts I ever received. They make life worth living on days when it doesn't feel like it is.

Connor and Jaxson spent the day at the beach with their dad. They have been begging all week to go and finally got their wish. I haven't seen them but from what I heard, even Jaxson who NEVER gets sun got a little red. It must have been hot at the jersey shore. Connor and Jaxson adore their father and have such a special bond with him. He truly enjoys playing with them everyday.

I have had a craving for ice cream. I find myself in the fridge at 3 AM eating!! It is not good. Last night I even got creative and made a coke float. I gotta stop.

tornado

It is harder to breathe today. My nose is swollen inside and my throat is sore from the breathing tube.


I have been just relaxing which is something I RARELY get to do and with that come alot of thinking. I have been saying for a long time that this has been a really hard year but I have been lost for alot longer than a year. I don't know what happened to me. I imagine that victims of tornados stand with the same feeling of reflection as they look at the where their home use to stand and remember how perfect and beautiful it use to look before the storm hit. And marvel in the knowledge that something could be lost so quickly. I stand like the tornado victim looking at the broken pieces and wonder where to even begin. I am not a victim like someone who has the devastation of losing everything to a tornado. My "tornado" was a consequence of very bad choices. And the destruction I caused spread to the lives of those I love the most. And I look back on pictures of myself and my life from years ago and I see a different person. And I still wonder how that woman, so happy and confident got so lost. I wonder at what point my "tornado" hit. Because I am still in shock and standing back looking at what was lost and deciding how to start to rebuild. And I feel confident posting such intimate feelings here because I know that those people still reading this blog are the ones that truly love me despite my imperfections.

Surgery went well. Painful on the nose and throat but I'm alive and hopefully will be breathing normally again soon. I will post a pic just for grins and giggles. My eyes are swollen and I have two strings coming out of my nose taped to the bridge. How's this for weird? They put the mask on my face and right at that moment my favorite song from Adele came on the radio in the OR! I fell into my drug induced sleep with the best song ever! The recovery was a little rough. My nose felt like I was on fire. I had a great nurse who just kept pushing the fentynl and soon enough, life was bliss. Surgery took a little over an hour and a half. I was there at 6 AM and home by 11 AM. I have been sleeping on and off since. Jade and the boys are gone camping and I vaguely remember hearing Jaxson say, "Bye mom. I will miss you" as he raced out the door for a weekend of ooey gooey smores.



I have never been the kind of person to make goals or dreams, or so I thought. I had the major life goals to get married and have kids but never had a goal to go to college or get a profession. That just kind of happened. I have let go of some of my dreams this week and now I am soul searching for some new ones. Everyone expects the typical "woman" goals of losing weight, improving image. I'm thinking bigger.......like getting BSN then master's degree. Maybe Nurse Practitioner? I have this life. This one life to do great things with. I know I have had my share of the wrong things and now, I want to make great things. Don't get me wrong, I have made 4 REALLY great boys and that alone makes my life happy but I don't want to stop. I have this nursing degree for a reason? I know that compassion is not just something people are born with and I have been given this great overflowing gift of compassion for others....I have always wanted to donate my nursing skills to sick children in third world countries?? I want two things to be said of me at the end of my life: 1. I want my children to all say without any doubt they had a mother that loved them and believed in Jesus Christ 2. That I was a good woman that gave freely of my gifts and talents.

Mommy's smile. I love this smile. It can make any bad day turn into a good one. We had so much fun at the park. I love spring days off and I love this age. This was Carter's first time to the playground and we had so much fun.

I found a lump in Jaxson's neck on Friday and was beside myself with worry. He has had a fever for a few days and I of course started thinking the worse. Cancer laid hard on my thoughts and the thoughts of losing my little boy were neurotic mother but it made me realize how precious life is and how much my kids mean to me. I prayed and cried and lost sleep. I called my mom and cried and was so consumed with the thoughts of what losing my little Jaxson would do to me. I have tend to be very controlling when it comes to my children and tend to forget they have a father......it is the mother inside of me. This whole experience was humbling to me because it made me realize the pain I would feel if I couldn't be with my children and felt compassion for the parents that can't be with their kids all the time. I am not a perfect person and I have alot to be sorry for but most of all my heart is sorry for the pain I have caused the people around me. I know I am not an easy person to love. I am not an easy person to get along with. I have problems but I am grateful for the true people that can love me at my worse. They truly are the ones that deserve me at my best.

I woke up this morning to the thump of my little spiderman climbing out of his crib. Carter has a strong mind and body and when he sets his mind to something, he finds a way to accomplish it. My only child I will need a bed tent for.

Today is my dads birthday. It is hard being so far away from my family. Jaxson keeps asking me "when are we going to pop pops party" He doesnt understand the cross country distance. My dad is the hardest worker I know. I remember him working every day even Sunday. My dad is slow to anger but once mad, it takes him some time to calm down. He is the most forgiving person I know. I have never known him to hold a grudge. I can honestly say that I have a very good dad and I am grateful for that. I hope he has the best birthday ever.

My mothers day gift was the return of my voice!!! I have not had it for almost a week. I missed it so much. Tonight I was hugging Jaxson and singing "To make you feel my love" to him and he smiled and said, "mom, your pretty voice is back again" I couldn't be upset or offended because I had a VERY ugly voice last week. I love singing (only when I am alone or with my children who love me no matter what, oh and I have been known to sing songs to my patients at work) and I have missed my morning concert in the shower before my day begins. My favorite song to sing right now is the song in my music player....adele Rolling in the Deep. Or my song with my BFF Tainted Love. Oh, and I can ALWAYS sing Grease. Even have a video stashed away of me and my high school friends singing Grease songs.

My heart is heavy right now as I am missing someone so much that it hurts. It's easy to forget and put away feelings during the day but at night your dreams unleash your real emotions. Funny how you can forget how someones voice sounds or the smell of their skin but one dream can be so real and vivid that smells and sounds come back to you. Memories are a blessing and a curse. Even with the heaviness of the longing, I would never erase the memories.

I got hugs from all three of my boys today so this day was a good one for me.

What motherhood means to me

The joys of motherhood are life's sweetest rewards. I have had the experience of both the pleasure of becoming a mother and the anguish of losing a baby and the motherhood that comes with it. So I hold being a mother so close to my heart that sometimes I have to remind myself to step back. Having a child does not make a woman a mother any more than owning a piano makes a person a musician. The status of motherhood is conferred in the progression of life from infancy to childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood. While I am stuck in different stages of this progression this is what motherhood means to me:

Taking home a tiny human that comes with no instruction manual and sacrificing sleep, food, and self to make sure that little person has all of it's needs met. And NEVER in my life putting as much of myself and my soul into protecting and caring for that baby.

Motherhood is earned in the state of exhaustion caused by a sick child laying in your arms in the middle of the night crying and not being able to do anything but hold them close to you and pray. In the tears you cry when you have to watch your baby get shots.

The joys of watching all the firsts, seconds, thirds, fourth ect. Everyday is a joy watching them just be little kids and enjoy the small things in life.

The feeling of that small little head laying on your shoulders with little arms wrapped around your neck is the closest feeling to heaven.

Second best is waking up in the morning to a baby asleep in your arms and the sweet smell of milk blowing in your face while they peacefully sleep.

Having your second grader bring home a book he wrote and discover it is all about the fun things he likes to do with you.

Hearing the words, "Mom, you are my best friend. I love you"

Hearing little voices when you wake up in the morning calling for "Mom"

Getting faces painted at the zoo and the proudness and happiness displayed on a five year olds face because he has now become spiderman.

Having a REALLY bad day at work and turning over my clipboard to see three little boys smiling at me and find myself smiling back.

Seeing any of my kids cry because another child has been mean and knowing that my heart is breaking just as bad for them.

Dedicating a whole day of fun with all of them and just being spontaneous. Doing whatever their hearts desire because right now, I can do that once in a while. And Im selfish because I know it makes me happier than it makes them.


I have not progressed yet from childhood to adolescent stage and I pray hard that I will be just as happy as I am right now with my three little boys. I like to think that all of my little boys looked down from heaven and said, "That is going to be my mom" Because I know that before I left heaven I saw four little spirit boys playing and said, "I'm going to do my best to be a good mother to those boys. I am going to love them with all of my heart and will take the tears with the happiness they will bring me. "

yesterday was a rough day. i hate being sick and not having full function of my body. I do not like pain and hate having all these things i want to do but too tired and sick to accomplish them. I complain like a baby but i know this experience helps me have compassion for my patients who are sick. It is always easier to know how someone feels when you have walked in their shoes. Right now I am just going to enjoy my memory foam and finish reading some books I have meant to complete. Maybe God knows just when someone needs a little break

stupid left lung....i am in so much pain and so sick. anyone have a lung to donate to me?

Connor loves hockey. We are so proud of him for making the Comcast team for next year and can't wait to see his talent grow as he plays on this challenging team. So far for this season his team is undefeated and Connor remains one of the top players. Jaxson has told me that he will hockey when he turns 6. He has made 6 this magical number and has promised me that he will do alot of other important things when he turns six. For now, he is 5 and can't do it. (doesn't want to do it)

The past few months have been very difficult and I have had days I have felt so worthless and down that it was a struggle. I am so grateful for my children because without them, I couldn't do it. I had a day that I was in my room crying and Jaxson walked in with a paper towel and started wiping the tears off my face. I am so proud of all my children and think they are just wonderful.....all three of them. Connor is not affectionate but he has been so wonderful helping me clean up the house and just sitting with me sometimes. Carter gives wonderful, tight hugs that make any bad day better. Being a mother is the greatest gift I have ever received and I am humbled to be the mother of three wonderful little boys. Nothing I have done or will ever do will EVER be as special as being a mother. I am not a perfect person and I have made PLENTY of mistakes in my life that I wish I could do over but I want my kids to always know that they made my life happy. I have spent many hours crying and in prayer over their wellbeing. It seems that the children should need the parent to make it through life but I will admit that I need my children probably more than they need me. My hope is that my boys will look back on me one day as their mother and accept that I am human and prone to making mistakes but they will know the love that I have for them and know me for the true person that I am. One day my father told me, "We did the best we knew how" and I want my children to be able to look back on their childhood and say, "my mom did the best she could" If left for me to decide, I would have children until I couldn't possibly have anymore because I love this time of my life right now and the sweetness of these little boys. I know that my future holds great potential and my only goal is to one day stand and say, "nothing was ever more important than my children"

I woke up today with a head cold and aches in my body. Must be getting old. But if I'm getting older than everyone else is too. I have my big surgery day on May 13th. Friday the 13th! I will probably wake up with one of my arms or legs missing. I am very superstitious and I hate friday the 13th. Especially if it is a friday the 13th that I am being sedated and cut up. That weekend is also the annual boys camp out so I will be home all alone in a quiet house to recover. Does it mean I need a vacation when I am looking forward to this like it's a respite?

I have shut the TV off today because every station is talking about Bin Laden's death. While it was exciting this morning when I woke up and first heard about it, I don't care to hear anymore. A news reporter this morning was requesting on live TV for the photos of his body to be released to the US people so they could have confirmation that he is in fact dead. What is wrong with people? I don't need to see photos of a dead body and I certainly don't want them on the TV where my children might catch a glimpse of them. A man at walmart is claiming the end of the world is May 21st. I say...bring it on.

The Zoo

Carter dancing

I embarress myself to show how cute my child is....focus on the baby, not the idiot in the blue shirt.

April 25, 2011

It has been beautiful weather here in New Jersey so tomorrow we are heading to the zoo. Connor is jealous as he returns to school tomorrow from spring break and can't come with us, but it will be fun to take Carter now that he is old enough to watch the animals. I have a bit of a break from work and I am going to enjoy every minute I have away from work. I miss my kids terribly when I have to work.

Connor finally let me cut his long hair off. All of it. It looks 100% better. He looks so grown up now. It's hard to believe he is 8 years old already. The carnival starts tomorrow in our town and Connor has been reading the signs hung all over the side of the road. Can't hide the carnival from him anymore.

Jaxson is really interested in writing right now and can write his name finally. He has a book I bought him that he loves to sit and practice writing all his letters in. I took Jaxson rollerskating for the first time last Friday. He looked like a baby deer standing for the first time....shaky and scared. He did very well but told me after, "I fell alot so I don't like it"

Carter has started waving hi and bye to everyone. He uses his hand and just opens and closes it. Yesterday at church he saw a picture of Jesus and got very excited. As I got closer to the picture I said, "Carter, where is Jesus?" and he pointed his little finger right at that picture. He likes to growl still and say, "num, num" while he is eating. I took him for his birthday pictures last week but he ran into another child in the photo studio while we were waiting and got a little bruise on his forehead. I will wait until he is bruise free. I took all the boys after to the mall and Carter got his first picture with the Easter Bunny. I usually skip the Easter pictures after Connor made a fist at the age of three and tried to punch the Easter Bunny. I couldn't pass up the picture though. Carter was not afraid and had a beautiful smile for the Easter Bunny. He is a little dancer and this weekend I was playing a dance game on the xbox and when Lady Gaga came on Carter just started rocking out. I grabbed the camara and got it on video and will post it as soon as I figure out how. He has his grandmothers dance moves.

The three lizards have escaped, the fish are still swimming, and the dog is dong everything he can to stay out of the range of Carter's hands. His love is too rough for poor Dallas.

Easter Sunday 2011

Happy Birthday Carter

12 months old

A whole year has passed and we love you Carter more and more everyday! You no longer walk through the house, you RUN! You have such a loving, kind personality. You smile at everyone and L-O-V-E to play with your older brothers. You share a very special bond with your older brother Connor. He can always make you smile, even when you are really mad. You still love Elmo and Cookie Monster and you like to babble to us in your monster voice. You have mastered the stairs both up and down and you can climb into anything! You are such an active little boy. If music plays you immediately start dancing. You like an audience and you make sure that you get attention everywhere you go. You give very rough hugs and open mouth kisses. You have four teeth now and your favorite food is pizza. You did not inherit the "picky" gene and will eat almost anything offered to you. You have a blue teddy bear and a soft brown blanket that you hug close everynight and just fall asleep. Words cannot express how much joy you have brought into the lives of those who love you.

11 months old

10 months old

10 months old and standing all over the place. Carter started the Frankenstein walk and quickly learned how to make those legs move! He has developed a bit of a temper and likes to make his body go stiff and throw himself on the floor when he is mad. He has started giving hugs and still has such a beautiful, contagious smile. He likes to sneak up behind his brothers and attack them from behind. He jumps on Connor and likes to wrestle all over the floor with him.

9 months old

Nine months old already and still having fun. Carter has two teeth now on the bottom and his front teeth will be coming in soon. He can say "mama", "dada", and "dog" He loves his older brothers and Connor has given him the nickname Gaga. He can stand and walk around the furniture and can let go and stand alone for a few minutes. He likes holding your fingers and walking places. We got alot of snow this month and Carter had fun putting his snow suit on and sitting in the powder for a little bit. Of course he tried eating it. His favorite food is still carrots and sweet potatoes and prefers eating our dinner over his. He likes the Gerber cheddar cheese curls and can eat a whole can if you let him. (I bet he will be a Cheetos fan) He is still a happy little guy but he has started making strange with people he doesn't know. He LOVES Elmo. I cannot stress that enough. He will point to Elmo in the the book and gets happy when the Elmo song plays. I took him to Kohl's last week and spotted a Cookie monster doll he just insisted on taking home. He has a strong will and he is not easily distracted from something he wants. It's hard to believe that Spring will be here soon and Carter will be turning one.