tornado

It is harder to breathe today. My nose is swollen inside and my throat is sore from the breathing tube.


I have been just relaxing which is something I RARELY get to do and with that come alot of thinking. I have been saying for a long time that this has been a really hard year but I have been lost for alot longer than a year. I don't know what happened to me. I imagine that victims of tornados stand with the same feeling of reflection as they look at the where their home use to stand and remember how perfect and beautiful it use to look before the storm hit. And marvel in the knowledge that something could be lost so quickly. I stand like the tornado victim looking at the broken pieces and wonder where to even begin. I am not a victim like someone who has the devastation of losing everything to a tornado. My "tornado" was a consequence of very bad choices. And the destruction I caused spread to the lives of those I love the most. And I look back on pictures of myself and my life from years ago and I see a different person. And I still wonder how that woman, so happy and confident got so lost. I wonder at what point my "tornado" hit. Because I am still in shock and standing back looking at what was lost and deciding how to start to rebuild. And I feel confident posting such intimate feelings here because I know that those people still reading this blog are the ones that truly love me despite my imperfections.