tornado

It is harder to breathe today. My nose is swollen inside and my throat is sore from the breathing tube.


I have been just relaxing which is something I RARELY get to do and with that come alot of thinking. I have been saying for a long time that this has been a really hard year but I have been lost for alot longer than a year. I don't know what happened to me. I imagine that victims of tornados stand with the same feeling of reflection as they look at the where their home use to stand and remember how perfect and beautiful it use to look before the storm hit. And marvel in the knowledge that something could be lost so quickly. I stand like the tornado victim looking at the broken pieces and wonder where to even begin. I am not a victim like someone who has the devastation of losing everything to a tornado. My "tornado" was a consequence of very bad choices. And the destruction I caused spread to the lives of those I love the most. And I look back on pictures of myself and my life from years ago and I see a different person. And I still wonder how that woman, so happy and confident got so lost. I wonder at what point my "tornado" hit. Because I am still in shock and standing back looking at what was lost and deciding how to start to rebuild. And I feel confident posting such intimate feelings here because I know that those people still reading this blog are the ones that truly love me despite my imperfections.

Surgery went well. Painful on the nose and throat but I'm alive and hopefully will be breathing normally again soon. I will post a pic just for grins and giggles. My eyes are swollen and I have two strings coming out of my nose taped to the bridge. How's this for weird? They put the mask on my face and right at that moment my favorite song from Adele came on the radio in the OR! I fell into my drug induced sleep with the best song ever! The recovery was a little rough. My nose felt like I was on fire. I had a great nurse who just kept pushing the fentynl and soon enough, life was bliss. Surgery took a little over an hour and a half. I was there at 6 AM and home by 11 AM. I have been sleeping on and off since. Jade and the boys are gone camping and I vaguely remember hearing Jaxson say, "Bye mom. I will miss you" as he raced out the door for a weekend of ooey gooey smores.



I have never been the kind of person to make goals or dreams, or so I thought. I had the major life goals to get married and have kids but never had a goal to go to college or get a profession. That just kind of happened. I have let go of some of my dreams this week and now I am soul searching for some new ones. Everyone expects the typical "woman" goals of losing weight, improving image. I'm thinking bigger.......like getting BSN then master's degree. Maybe Nurse Practitioner? I have this life. This one life to do great things with. I know I have had my share of the wrong things and now, I want to make great things. Don't get me wrong, I have made 4 REALLY great boys and that alone makes my life happy but I don't want to stop. I have this nursing degree for a reason? I know that compassion is not just something people are born with and I have been given this great overflowing gift of compassion for others....I have always wanted to donate my nursing skills to sick children in third world countries?? I want two things to be said of me at the end of my life: 1. I want my children to all say without any doubt they had a mother that loved them and believed in Jesus Christ 2. That I was a good woman that gave freely of my gifts and talents.

Mommy's smile. I love this smile. It can make any bad day turn into a good one. We had so much fun at the park. I love spring days off and I love this age. This was Carter's first time to the playground and we had so much fun.

I found a lump in Jaxson's neck on Friday and was beside myself with worry. He has had a fever for a few days and I of course started thinking the worse. Cancer laid hard on my thoughts and the thoughts of losing my little boy were neurotic mother but it made me realize how precious life is and how much my kids mean to me. I prayed and cried and lost sleep. I called my mom and cried and was so consumed with the thoughts of what losing my little Jaxson would do to me. I have tend to be very controlling when it comes to my children and tend to forget they have a father......it is the mother inside of me. This whole experience was humbling to me because it made me realize the pain I would feel if I couldn't be with my children and felt compassion for the parents that can't be with their kids all the time. I am not a perfect person and I have alot to be sorry for but most of all my heart is sorry for the pain I have caused the people around me. I know I am not an easy person to love. I am not an easy person to get along with. I have problems but I am grateful for the true people that can love me at my worse. They truly are the ones that deserve me at my best.

I woke up this morning to the thump of my little spiderman climbing out of his crib. Carter has a strong mind and body and when he sets his mind to something, he finds a way to accomplish it. My only child I will need a bed tent for.

Today is my dads birthday. It is hard being so far away from my family. Jaxson keeps asking me "when are we going to pop pops party" He doesnt understand the cross country distance. My dad is the hardest worker I know. I remember him working every day even Sunday. My dad is slow to anger but once mad, it takes him some time to calm down. He is the most forgiving person I know. I have never known him to hold a grudge. I can honestly say that I have a very good dad and I am grateful for that. I hope he has the best birthday ever.

My mothers day gift was the return of my voice!!! I have not had it for almost a week. I missed it so much. Tonight I was hugging Jaxson and singing "To make you feel my love" to him and he smiled and said, "mom, your pretty voice is back again" I couldn't be upset or offended because I had a VERY ugly voice last week. I love singing (only when I am alone or with my children who love me no matter what, oh and I have been known to sing songs to my patients at work) and I have missed my morning concert in the shower before my day begins. My favorite song to sing right now is the song in my music player....adele Rolling in the Deep. Or my song with my BFF Tainted Love. Oh, and I can ALWAYS sing Grease. Even have a video stashed away of me and my high school friends singing Grease songs.

My heart is heavy right now as I am missing someone so much that it hurts. It's easy to forget and put away feelings during the day but at night your dreams unleash your real emotions. Funny how you can forget how someones voice sounds or the smell of their skin but one dream can be so real and vivid that smells and sounds come back to you. Memories are a blessing and a curse. Even with the heaviness of the longing, I would never erase the memories.

I got hugs from all three of my boys today so this day was a good one for me.

What motherhood means to me

The joys of motherhood are life's sweetest rewards. I have had the experience of both the pleasure of becoming a mother and the anguish of losing a baby and the motherhood that comes with it. So I hold being a mother so close to my heart that sometimes I have to remind myself to step back. Having a child does not make a woman a mother any more than owning a piano makes a person a musician. The status of motherhood is conferred in the progression of life from infancy to childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood. While I am stuck in different stages of this progression this is what motherhood means to me:

Taking home a tiny human that comes with no instruction manual and sacrificing sleep, food, and self to make sure that little person has all of it's needs met. And NEVER in my life putting as much of myself and my soul into protecting and caring for that baby.

Motherhood is earned in the state of exhaustion caused by a sick child laying in your arms in the middle of the night crying and not being able to do anything but hold them close to you and pray. In the tears you cry when you have to watch your baby get shots.

The joys of watching all the firsts, seconds, thirds, fourth ect. Everyday is a joy watching them just be little kids and enjoy the small things in life.

The feeling of that small little head laying on your shoulders with little arms wrapped around your neck is the closest feeling to heaven.

Second best is waking up in the morning to a baby asleep in your arms and the sweet smell of milk blowing in your face while they peacefully sleep.

Having your second grader bring home a book he wrote and discover it is all about the fun things he likes to do with you.

Hearing the words, "Mom, you are my best friend. I love you"

Hearing little voices when you wake up in the morning calling for "Mom"

Getting faces painted at the zoo and the proudness and happiness displayed on a five year olds face because he has now become spiderman.

Having a REALLY bad day at work and turning over my clipboard to see three little boys smiling at me and find myself smiling back.

Seeing any of my kids cry because another child has been mean and knowing that my heart is breaking just as bad for them.

Dedicating a whole day of fun with all of them and just being spontaneous. Doing whatever their hearts desire because right now, I can do that once in a while. And Im selfish because I know it makes me happier than it makes them.


I have not progressed yet from childhood to adolescent stage and I pray hard that I will be just as happy as I am right now with my three little boys. I like to think that all of my little boys looked down from heaven and said, "That is going to be my mom" Because I know that before I left heaven I saw four little spirit boys playing and said, "I'm going to do my best to be a good mother to those boys. I am going to love them with all of my heart and will take the tears with the happiness they will bring me. "

yesterday was a rough day. i hate being sick and not having full function of my body. I do not like pain and hate having all these things i want to do but too tired and sick to accomplish them. I complain like a baby but i know this experience helps me have compassion for my patients who are sick. It is always easier to know how someone feels when you have walked in their shoes. Right now I am just going to enjoy my memory foam and finish reading some books I have meant to complete. Maybe God knows just when someone needs a little break

stupid left lung....i am in so much pain and so sick. anyone have a lung to donate to me?

Connor loves hockey. We are so proud of him for making the Comcast team for next year and can't wait to see his talent grow as he plays on this challenging team. So far for this season his team is undefeated and Connor remains one of the top players. Jaxson has told me that he will hockey when he turns 6. He has made 6 this magical number and has promised me that he will do alot of other important things when he turns six. For now, he is 5 and can't do it. (doesn't want to do it)

The past few months have been very difficult and I have had days I have felt so worthless and down that it was a struggle. I am so grateful for my children because without them, I couldn't do it. I had a day that I was in my room crying and Jaxson walked in with a paper towel and started wiping the tears off my face. I am so proud of all my children and think they are just wonderful.....all three of them. Connor is not affectionate but he has been so wonderful helping me clean up the house and just sitting with me sometimes. Carter gives wonderful, tight hugs that make any bad day better. Being a mother is the greatest gift I have ever received and I am humbled to be the mother of three wonderful little boys. Nothing I have done or will ever do will EVER be as special as being a mother. I am not a perfect person and I have made PLENTY of mistakes in my life that I wish I could do over but I want my kids to always know that they made my life happy. I have spent many hours crying and in prayer over their wellbeing. It seems that the children should need the parent to make it through life but I will admit that I need my children probably more than they need me. My hope is that my boys will look back on me one day as their mother and accept that I am human and prone to making mistakes but they will know the love that I have for them and know me for the true person that I am. One day my father told me, "We did the best we knew how" and I want my children to be able to look back on their childhood and say, "my mom did the best she could" If left for me to decide, I would have children until I couldn't possibly have anymore because I love this time of my life right now and the sweetness of these little boys. I know that my future holds great potential and my only goal is to one day stand and say, "nothing was ever more important than my children"

I woke up today with a head cold and aches in my body. Must be getting old. But if I'm getting older than everyone else is too. I have my big surgery day on May 13th. Friday the 13th! I will probably wake up with one of my arms or legs missing. I am very superstitious and I hate friday the 13th. Especially if it is a friday the 13th that I am being sedated and cut up. That weekend is also the annual boys camp out so I will be home all alone in a quiet house to recover. Does it mean I need a vacation when I am looking forward to this like it's a respite?

I have shut the TV off today because every station is talking about Bin Laden's death. While it was exciting this morning when I woke up and first heard about it, I don't care to hear anymore. A news reporter this morning was requesting on live TV for the photos of his body to be released to the US people so they could have confirmation that he is in fact dead. What is wrong with people? I don't need to see photos of a dead body and I certainly don't want them on the TV where my children might catch a glimpse of them. A man at walmart is claiming the end of the world is May 21st. I say...bring it on.