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Jaxson's soccer

Missing the Utah life

Summer friends

swimming 2012

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We have a lot going on right now. Jaxson is starting soccer this week and Carter finally gave up his bottle. Now when he Want's milk he asks for his big boy cup. He is getting to be too big. I am having baby blues.

My three sons

Janneen bachlorette party in AC

I had a girls night out this Saturday. It was so much fun. We went to Atlantic City and had a room at the Borgata. We had dinner at a great Italian restaurant in the Tropicana and went to a great comedy show. Then danced the night away. It was Janneen's last night of "single" fun. We all had fun just getting dressed up and having a night away from the kids.

I wish my eyes were open in this picture because it is one of my favorites with my grandma. I was so unhappy in this picture but I still have a smile because I was with my grandma.

"I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine, " He said. "For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead".

It is still hard to accept  that my first born was taken so soon.I did not miss one milestone. I have always had it in the back of my mind exactly what he would be doing at each year and how different my life would have been with him.

God looked the wide world over in search of teachers true, and from the throngscrowd life's lanes I have selected you. Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain, nor hate me when I come to call to take hi back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, thy will be done.For all the joy this child shall bring, the risk of grief we will run. We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love hi while we may. And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay. But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned, we will brave the bitter grief and try to underdstand.

I cannot say that I was ever the same person after. It was my first experience with the love a mother has for her child and my first experience with the heartbreak of losing someone you would give your life for. It left me a little hard and not as easy to love. For years I didn't want to talk about it because it was like a raw sore. So painful and unbearable. The first time it rained I was beside myself with thoughts that my baby was in the ground.  I had to gain a testimony that God existed and that my son was not in the ground that rainy night but in heaven where he should be. It didn't make it easier to know he was in heaven because I wanted him there for every first birthday, christmas, thanksgiving,first time at the park, first day of preschool,first lost tooth, ect. I still wonder how it would be to have a 16 year old getting ready to learn to drive.

You were everything we had prayed for you to be,

Our special little angle that we finally got to meet.

We held you in our arms and watched you breathe your final breath.

Still just as beautiful, even in your death.

If we had just been given a little more time,

you could have felt the love we were waiting to give

Everything we did for nine months

was preparation for you  to live.

And sixteen years it has been and our memories are few

but your mom and dad still remember the day and love you.

Love Mom 2012

We spent the last two days at the Lake. It was heaven. The Lake pass was my best purchase in a long time. We took friends thsi week and it was so much fun. The count down has started until our  August vacation. It can't come fast enough.

I took Connor and Jaxson to see Madagascar 3 tonight after work. It was so much fun. We were the only ones in the theater so we got to act silly and eat junk food. A night to remember forever.

I wish I could go back in time to this day. My Christmas dance program. I was a candy cane. Looking at this picture reminds me so much of all the feelings I had as a child. I was happy, felt loved, safe, and carefree. I just enjoyed life and my loved ones. I didn't know disappointment, heartbreak, or STRESS. I don't remember my mom yelling at me as much as I yell at my kids (she only had one kid for 10 years though and I am battling 3). And my mom always had a built in babysitter. My grandma would often just show up after she got off work and take me for hours at a time. Another reason I wish I could go back to this night. To spend just a little bit of time with my grandma again. It is hard to miss someone as much as I still miss her.

My friend told me that she started doing three small things everyday. Just three little goals that are easy to accomplish and that are stepping stools to making better habits. I liked the idea and was so inspired by her that I am making three of my own.

1. Pray at least once a day with my children.

2. Do at least one load of laundry every day so it doesn't all pile up.

3. Make my bed every morning.

I have decided to have Connor and Jaxson make a list too and help them work on their goals so they get into the habit of planning things and getting them accomplished. I will make Carters list for him..

1. Cut down to three bottles a day (that is pushing it, he is totally addicted)

2. Only hit Jaxson once a day, twice if he really needs it.

3. Only scream when the situation calls for it, which is often because Carter is the boss (so he thinks)

These boys love each other so much. I hope they grow up to be best friends. Tomorrow we are going to the pool for a day of swimming. All those hours of overtime are going to be worth all the fun at the pool.

The day was warm and we had fun having a BBQ and playing in the backyard all day with friends. The boys are getting old enough that they like to be outside jumping on the trampoline and riding bikes. We also planted the last batch of our summer flowers. We finished the garden a month ago and the tomatoe plants are getting taller everyday. We planted tomatoes, hot peppers, sweet peas, carrots, and eggplant. I can't wait to make salsa with the tomatoes and hot peppers. My favorite song this week is Katy Perry, Wide Awake. We danced all day listening to it. We played so hard today that Carter fell asleep at 8 PM and Connor and Jaxson went soon after.
Jaxson has his graduation tomorrow morning and graduation program at school He is so excited and has talked all week about the songs he is learing to sing at the program. I have to work so Jade is going and will record it. I will post the video on this site if I can figure out how to.

whopper Wednesday!!! I worked 5 days this week. That is five, twelve hour shifts. I have a vacation on my mind and it makes it easy to work because I have a goal in mind. I am ready for a day off tomorrow and time with the kids.

Today we went bowling. Jaxson was in his element. I signed both the boys up for a summer bowling league. It will be something to do once a week and they can improve on their bowling skills. Jaxson would do a dance everytime he got a strike. He makes me smile.

 

Carter pretending to be a NHL star

Carter LOVES this hat. He wears it everywhere

Jaxson wanted his hair like a shark fin

Watching Toy Story 3 with Carter. I wonder if he remembers it or if it's like watching a new movie over and over again. He gets excited like it is new. He whispers when the dramatic parts come on. He makes me laugh.

Jaxson finished baseball this week. I will post his pictures as soon as I get them. He doesn't seem to be too interested in any sports but baseball so we will stick with it for now but he doesn't pay attention.

Connor has a hockey tournament this weekend. He is overly excited of course.

Someone like you

For two years I have been weighed down by love, anger, jealousy, hate, and all the emotions that I put in my life from a wrong decision that gave me my baby Carter but also gave Carter a dad that I have imagined a life of misery with. Last night I was thinking about a poem I had in my scriptures

My load was so heavy that day after day,
I staggered and stumbled and fell by the way.
At last as I lay there, exhausted and frayed,
I lifted my heart to the Savior and prayed.
"Lord Jesus, this burden you gave me to bear,
was way out of reason and more than my share.
Why did you ask me to carry it all?
Surely you knew I would stumble and fall"
The answer that came to my listening ear
was quiet and simple but perfectly clear.
"Your burden was never excessively great
It's just that you foolishly tripled it's weight.
Yesterdays burden was carried but then
you insisted on bearing it over again.
Along with today's and like one obsessed
you piled up tomorrows along with the rest.
I said long ago and it's still just as right
"My yoke is easy, my burden is light"
Seeing so clearly where I had been wrong
I arose and walked quickly and briskly along


The love of a parent is a hard emotion because it brings out so many emotions both good and bad. And when the situation between the parents is not ideal, it makes life even harder. I have had a dose of reality the past two days and I have realized with humility the way I have allowed this situation to effect my whole surroundings. My family, my friends, and myself. It brought tears to my eyes to read the part, "Yesterdays burden was carried but then, you insisted on bearing it over again. " I have been stuck like I was in sand for two years. Just crying over a situation that I cannot change. I was looking at pictures with the kids from the past 7 years and I found myself feeling very sad realizing that I was looking at a person in myself that is lost forever. I will never be able to be that person again but now I have the ability to be an even better person than the one in those pictures. That girl wasn't perfect 7 years ago, and I may not even be perfect 7 years from now. Today I have a greater sense of lightness about me because of a poem I wrote down in a book 14 years ago that inspires me to let go and move quickly along.

Its amazing how I can see in this picture my mom, my Aunt, my cousins, and myself. This picture brings back memories of sleepovers, movies, snow ball fights, laughing, Tab soda, long walks, my love of cookies, and many, many hugs.

love

What we love determines what we seek. What we seek determines what we think and do. What we think and do determines who we are and who we will becomes. Since the beginning of time, love has been the source of both the highest bliss and the heaviest of burdens. At the heart of misery you will find the love of wrong things. And at the heart of joy, you will find the love of good things. Love is the power that initiates friendships, tolerance, civility, and respect. Love is the driving force behind the sorrowful words of regret when you know you have hurt the heart of the person or people that you love. Having a child is what taught me the highest bliss and heaviest of burdens felt from the unconditional love to another. I cannot imagine not loving each of my little boys but I know that in the future they will all make decisions that may break my heart and cause me sorrow because of the deep love I have for them. Love is saying I wont give up during times of heaviest burdens and I am happy to share this life with you during the times of overwelming joy.