I have been in deep thought. I don't know why my spiritual side is making me slow a little but I suspect that this is a time in my life that I need to slow down, step outside of the situation, and look in with the eyes of a stranger. I enjoyed President Monson's talk this Conference about "living for the moment". How many times do we slow down and just live for the moment? Lately I have stopped to look at my patients with eyes not of a nursing student but with eyes of a spirit. Many of them are nearing the end of their life on earth and I wonder as I look at their tired eyes and weak body, Did they live for the moment? Did they love with all their heart? Did they experience the pain that comes from experiencing love? I think that feeling love for someone or something is worth all the pain that may come from letting go and just loving for the moment. I wonder if they experienced everything that they wanted to and if they are leaving this world satisfied with the life they lived. I recall a scene from Saving Private Ryan. I will give a brief summary of the movie to better understand the scene that I am recalling. Tom Hanks plays a character sent out to find this Private Ryan and bring him home safely to his mother because his brothers have been killed in battle. During the movie, he finds Private Ryan to find that Ryan does not wish to return home so he stays with him to keep him safe. Tom Hanks character ends up getting critically wounded and Private Ryan is holding his head in his hands and Hank tells him, (again, my summary) my death will not be in vain as long as you live to be a good man. The end of the movie forwards to an aged Ryan kneeling at the grave of Hanks' character with his wife. He turns to his wife, old with age, and says, "Tell me I have been a good man. Have I lived my life the way that I should have?" I imagine that all individuals that are balancing on that spot between this world and the next must feel that same emotion. And I find myself wondering, HAVE I LIVED MY LIFE THE WAY THAT I SHOULD? What a blessing it is to live. I know that I tend to be the person that focuses not on what went right during my day but to remember all those things that I didn't accomplish, didn't say, and didn't do. As I have been looking into those tired eyes, and assisting those weak bodies I have come to realize that it matters not what I didn't do but rather, those things that I did. What a beautiful message President Monson shared with us......Live for the moment. Take the time to look at the leaves the way that a child would. We never know when our time will be and we should focus on those moments that we would want to take with us. When my time comes, I do not want to remember those moments of worrying about bills or keeping up with the stresses of life. I want to remember the moments that I laughed with my family, the feeling of my children wrapping their arms around me, the way my husband smells when I lay next to him in bed, the times of pain and trial where my friends and family loved me, and the spiritual experiences of life that out way the painful mortal. Everytime I have a patient that is withdrawn into their world of dementia I try to imagine that somewhere within their own reality, they are reliving those moments.