preview of Halloween 2007

Anxiety

Being a mother is a no win situation. I came to that conclusion tonight. Jade's niece is getting married on October 6th and we are jetting to Calgary, Alberta for a weekend to be a part of the festivities. After booking the flight we realized that one member of our household does not currently possess a passport. (Jaxson) As silly as it sounds, they will not let Jaxson travel with us if he does not have a passport. We tried to apply for one but it takes too long for the process. Our only option was to drive to Philadelphia and wait in long lines to apply for an emergency passport for him. While making the decision, I envisioned what this trip would be like with Jaxson. It takes a whole day to travel to Calgary and we are leaving on a Thursday and coming home on a Sunday. That is a long plane ride and a short trip for a two year old. I decided that for my own sanity, I would leave Jaxson with a close family from church. And, I felt comfortable with my decision until tonight. Suddenly anxiety has struck and the thought of being without my baby for 4 days has me completely undone. I am not thinking rationally. My mind is playing tricks on me, imagining how Jaxson will be devastated and confused that we are all leaving him. I am terrified that he will think that he has been abandoned. Suddenly I feel this urge to make a will and designate custody of Jaxson if anything should happen to us. Even more insane, I am actually considering the trip to Philly to get the passport and taking Jaxson with us just so I will not be "dying" without him. Truth be told, I think this whole experience will be more beneficial for me than for him. I realize that somewhere in the back of my crazy thinking, that I really need to do this. I need to leave Jaxson because I have never left him before. I need to learn to let go. I mean, people leave their kids all the time and go on vacation......right? right? right? Please tell me that I am not a bad mother for leaving him behind..........

Ticks

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am terrified of ticks! Not only do I obsess endlessly about them but I am ashamed to admit that I have even dreamed about them. It comes as no surprise that I let down my guard for a split second and a tick took the advantage to bite and infect me with Lyme disease. I knew from reading that Lyme disease was painful and an awful infliction but NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined it felt as horrible as this. To make it even worse, I had an allergic reaction to the first antibiotic they put me on and spent an hour and a half with my head in the sink and toilet. Going off topic just a little, I have never understood why people throw up in the toilet. When I am feeling sick to my stomach and feel sensitive to sights and smells, the last place I want my face is in a dirty toilet. The same place that people dispose of their bodily wastes. Anyhoo, I am on a new medicine and aside from fatigue and some leg aches, I am recovering.

The miracle of birth

Despite feeling like I had a truck dropped on me, I dragged my sorry butt to clinical last night and had an AMAZING experience. I got to observe my first birth. Well, my first birth without me being the one who is birthing. Let me tell you, when you are not the one pushing and crying with exhaustion, it is such an amazing and beautiful experience. I met the couple when I first arrived at the hospital at 4:00 PM and stayed with them until she delivered at 8:15PM. This mother was such a trooper. She pushed for 3+ hours!!!!! This was unimaginable to me because I barely had to push with Connor and Jaxson was out before the doctor got into the room. (no pushing involved) Being on the other side of labor is such an experience. You forget how scared and confusing it is to be a first time mother getting ready to deliver. This mother was so amazing. She was the one doing all the work and we were just holding her legs for her, yet she kept thanking us for "doing all the work" She labored for 22 hours, pushed for almost 4 and the end result was a beautiful little girl. I cannot begin to explain how incredible it is to see the human body deliver another human. I was able to watch every process of this little head coming down and to see the little eyes open for the first time. The most spiritual experience in the world is seeing another person open their mortal eyes for the first time and if I chose to go into labor and delivery I have no doubts that I will be close to heaven every day that I work. How amazing is that? The only other experience that can top that is to be with someone when they close their mortal eyes for the last time, and the peace that you feel when their spirit leaves this world. I have also had many experiences being on that end and I can testify from personal experience that the feeling of closeness to heaven is the most powerful and peaceful feeling in the world. I have concluded that it is that powerful feeling that persuades spirits to leave the spirit world and come to earth and also that feeling guides them back home. I can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to know that you are returning back to the presence of God. I think of how hard it must be to leave those you love and have decided that it must be such a wonderful feeling to return back home that the joy overtakes the pain. I did not understand at the time why I was inspired to select nursing as my lifelong profession, but after last night I have no doubts.

Nursing Class of 2009

My friends have asked recently what the future nurses from Helene Fuld are like. Everyone is curious to know what kind of people are interested in joining the nursing field. My male friends want to know if the woman are beautiful and have any plans of wearing raunchy nursing outfits while my female friends want to know more about the muscle capabilities of the future male nurses. Recently a friend asked a question that no one has asked me. She wanted to know what positive qualities my nursing friends possess that will enable them to be compassionate, caring nurses. So, I thought about it and came up with the following list:

Carrie: Carrie is a walking brain. If you need an answer, and you want the correct one, Call Carrie. Not only will she be a nurse who always stays on her toes, she is one of the best listeners I have met in my life. She listens without giving her opinions or forced advice.

Nick: Yes, he brings muscle but he also brings the strongest desire I have ever encountered to help another person out. He is sincere and will be a nurse that makes his patients feel like they are important and that they are listened to. His sense of humor doesn't hurt.

Rachel: Rachel shows determination and will. She doesn't give up and works very hard for everything. She will give 110% to her patients and will guarantee that they get the care they deserve.

Donna: Donna is the perfect example of long suffering and hard work. She is going through so much right now and yet she never complains and she just does what she needs to. She will be an excellent nurse because she can put aside her problems and just focus on someone else 100%. She is very giving and sincere.

I could go on and on and on. I could give one reason for everyone in that class to persevere and press forward with nursing because they are all going to make excellent nurses. I truly hope that everyone in my program makes it through because I realized when that question was asked to me that everyone in my program possesses a quality that will make them compassionate, caring nurses.

My boys

I love my boys. I don't just love them because they are my boys, I love them because of their individual personalities and for the strengths and weaknesses that they each possess. I was holding Connor's hand in church yesterday and as I looked as his chubby, short hand I reflected on how blessed my life has been. There was a point in my life that I believed I would never get the experience to look at a little hand that I had helped create or look into a face where I could see part of myself looking back at me. Now, I wake up every morning to the sounds of four little feet running towards my bed where I am then smoothered with hugs and good morning kisses. I will never do anything better in my life than what I am doing right now and that is being a mother to my boys.

Shannon's childhood theories

I look at my children and long to go back to the golden days of childhood. I envy the innocence they possess about the outside world and the extreme joy they experience from the simple beauties of life such as finding a butterfly during a morning walk. I started reflecting back onto my childhood and found great amusement on some of my childhood "theories"

Death
As a child I could not comprehend that death was something that would happen to everyone. I believed that if someone died, they went to heaven and they got to pick one friend that would come up and join them. (It made sense at the time) I thought I could live forever as long as none of my closest and dearest friends had any desire to spend eternity in the heavens with me. (the real reason that I fed them all "mud pies" made with real mud plus charged them a dime for my delicious dessert)

Vampires
This is something I believed in with all my heart. I slept with a wood stake under my bed and would have consumed large amounts of garlic if my mother would allow it. I came up with the theory that as long as I kept my neck covered by blankets while sleeping, I would be safe from any vampires feeding off me. To this day, I still sleep with the blankets tucked all around my neck but more for habit instead of fear.

Earwigs
I had a fear of Earwigs. I hated this little bug with all my heart because I had a fear that they would get in my ear and pinch my eardrum until I couldn't hear again. The few times that I suffered from ear infections I truly believed that it was caused by an earwig that had crawled into my ear. I came up with my own theory that the earwig evolved from the potato bug (those little bugs that curl into a ball when you touch them) so I exterminated all potato bugs that I encountered convinced that by doing so, I was ridding the world of ear destroying earwigs. This theory was destroyed this summer by my friend Sandy who informed me that the earwig does not evolve from the potato bug.


Ahhh, to be a child again. So innocent and carefree. I recently called home from school and had the following conversation with Connor who answered the phone.

C: "Mom, why you turn the toilet blue"
S: "It is a cleaner that mommy put into the toilet to keep the toilet clean"
C: "But mom, it makes my pee turn green!!! That is silly"

I wish the only concern I had about my day was that peeing into a blue toilet turned my urine green.

Pocono mountains

We are back from the Pocono mountains. It was beautiful and such an adventure. (2 bedroom cabin for 4 adults and 2 children)

It has been a week since my last post. Besides having the Outlaws here, I also started school again and I am ready to quit. I forgot how much I truly hate school. I have a lot to accomplish this week. I must now cram for my first exam since I missed all the study groups this weekend. I also must find a babysitter for my kids since I start clinical next week and Connor starts school on Thursday. My library books are at least a week overdue and I think I have one nerve left and it has been hanging by a thread. The plus side, when faced with an overwhelming amount of stress, I forget to eat and may actually lose a few pounds.

This is a picture of the fish Connor caught. Despite it's size, he was VERY proud that he caught it all by himself.