Fumbling through life

2012-02-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

This little boy is so dear to me. He has been the reason for many of my smiles but also the cause of many of my tears. But no matter the bad times, I wouldn't change anything because this little guy makes me smile everyday. I love the way he says, "mommy,mommy, mommy" I love that he is starting to understand when he does something that hurts or is too rough and will wrap his little arms around my neck and say, "sorry". I love that he shares my middle name and the name of my dad who has been such a good man and a hard worker his whole life. I hope Carter will grow up and honor the name of his grandfather. He is becoming such a chatterbox and tries to keep up with his older brothers. He loves his teachers at church and loves to point to his teacher and say, "Miss Tracy, Miss Tracy". He is the first one every morning and every night to sit down for family prayer. He folds his arms and will close his eyes for just a moment. I asked him, "Carter, did you see me when you were in heaven and picked me to be your mom" and he said as serious as could be, " No mom. Elmo" I guess he was hoping Elmo would be his mom. Carter LOVES his dog and becomes VERY upset if Dallas accidently gets locked in the laundry room. Carter will stand at the door and cry until Dallas is rescued. I have a very special picture that I took of Carter when I was out in Utah in August. I had the most amazing experience because while taking the picture I heard a voice clearly tell me that the little boy I was taking a picture of was going to be something VERY special one day. I pay the price for Carter with many, many tears but they are all worth it because he makes everyone around him so happy. When Carter was blessed, he was given the blessing to be a light unto others. He was also blessed to receive spiritual gifts and to use them to bless his family and brothers. Carter truly came from a dark situation but is the light to everyone that loves him.

A snowy Saturday

2012-02-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not. DC 6:36

milestones

2011-12-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

It is finally Christmas week. How exciting for three little boys. Tonight we made Christmas cookies and put them in cute boxes for friends and neighbors. We had our visit with Santa clause on Monday and all three boys were actually looking at the camara and no crying from any of them. This week we will focus on Christmas and enjoying the season.

I went in for my endoscopy this week and I am just waiting to find out from the biopsy what bacteria is causing all this inflammation in my stomach. I have been able to give up alot of my bad diet choices because I just can't tolerate them anymore so I am hoping to start dropping some pounds. Or at least some inches (from the hips please, not the height)

Carter started undressing tonight and said very plainly, "Pee pee". I took his diaper off and he ran upstair to the toilet. I sat him on it and HE PEED! I was so shocked. I am still in shock. He isn't even 2 yet. He is growing up so fast.

I will post pictures of the santa picture soon.

2011-11-15T18:27:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for Fall. It was a beautiful morning and the leaves were falling from the trees and dancing across the road. The trees looked beautiful. Some of the leaves actually look like they are on fire their red color is so vibrant.

2011-11-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

A dream is a wish your heart makes when youre fast asleep.....my heart is missing someone I loved dearly and dreaming is the only way I see this person anymore. I wonder if they still love me?

2011-11-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for agency. I am thankful that I can make my own choices and be free to decide for myself what I want in my life and how I want to live. I get to decide every morning when I wake up if I want to stay home or go to the store. Simple decisions about life but I am thankful for the freedom to make them and the agency that has been given to me.

Cookies

2011-11-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight was Carters first time making homade cookies with mom. He was so excited to put all the ingredients in the bowl and turn on the beaters. The cookies turned out really good too. I'm grateful for this memory. And the cookies were peanut butter chocolate chip. YUMMY

Carter is such a special little kid. He has so many people around him that love him and want him to be with them all the time. I know how hard it is to be away from him and miss him so much and I know that others feel that way too. I hope he grows up knowing how much he was loved and wanted by so many people.

2011-11-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for a soft bed today. It was a very busy day and I am enjoying my soft bed. I know that there are people in the world that dont have a bed to lay in at night and I appreciate that I have one and it is so soft.

I tell my kids everyday "I love you" and today I heard the sweet voice of my baby say back "Wuv you" It made my whole day special. Carter is really starting to talk and I love hearing his little voice.

2011-11-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for a weekend ahead of me that I get to spend with my family. Tomorrow we are going to the aquarium for Jaxsons birthday and Im grateful for all the smiles that will be burned into my memory tomorrow. We read a book tonight all about sharks so we are ready to see them all up close and live.

2011-11-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

Today is Jade's birthday. The angry bird cupcakes are for Jaxson's birthday party at school tomorrow but I thought they turned out so cute so I put a picture. I am thankful today to be a mother. I LOVE doing things to make my little boys happy. And they make me so happy everyday. Jaxson said to me this morning, "mom, did you have a good sleep last night?" He is my thoughtful little guy. Carter is so lovey right now and says, mommy, mommy, mommy, and runs to my arms. I love the feeling of his little arms around my neck. And Connor is so much fun to talk to right now. He is finally starting to get old enough to have adult conversations with. My little boys are so sweet and told me yesterday that they want a new brother or sister more than a new house or car. They love each other so much and it makes me so happy to be apart of their lives. I remember a time in my life when I thought I would never have the opportunity to be a mother. I was devestated because I wanted a child of my own so badly. With every single one of my boys, the minute they were born and placed in my arms, I felt God clearly tell me how much he loved me. I know that I talk about my kids alot on this blog and brag but I truly love them all more than anything else in my life.

We had a great dinner out without kids tonight to an excellent Italian restaurant. It was nice to sit and talk without little voices interrupting. It has been a rough year for us, but we are still holding on and I am grateful for a kind, forgiving husband. I haven't always appreciated him and I have taken him for granted but I truly love and appreciate how he cares for me. He surprises me everyday with how strong he is and what a great man he truly is. I am a very lucky girl who came close to losing the only friend that truly loves me and gave me such wonderful little boys. I will never take that for granted again.

2011-11-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not. D&C 6:36.

Today I am grateful that I am never alone.

I spent the day making birthday cupcakes for Jaxson. 24 angry bird cupcakes in all. This weekend will a family celebration of birthdays!

2011-11-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

November is a month of Thanksgiving. Everyday I am going to blog about my gratitude.I am grateful that I have been given a second chance at life. I realize the many different ways my life could have been without a forgiving family. I am so grateful that I didnt get stuck with worthless and that I have a chance to start over and be even better than before.

2011-10-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

The human brain is an amazing organ. The information it can collect and save is endless. Its amazing that I can have a dream last night of being in my grandmas bedroom and my mind can recall the way she smelled. Something I had forgotten. I had forgotten her smell and her voice and one dream brought it flooding back. And in my dream I was doing what I did so many times as a child, I was looking through her clothes and jewelry. And I remembered her so well. And she was so close to me. I miss her but I love that I can remember her through a dream

jaxson

2011-10-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

J is for joy. You have brought so much joy into my life since the morning you were born.

A is for act. Your presence in my life makes me want to act like a better person.

X is for xoxo. You always give me the right amount of hugs and kisses when I need them.

S is for sacrifice. There is NOTHING I wouldnt sacrifice in my life for you.

O is for only. There is only one Jaxson. And I wouldnt have it any other way.

N is for never. I will make sure you NEVER forget how much I love you!

Some Jaxson phrases:

Now thats what Im talking about

Let me tell you something about this

You are my best friend

Mom, can u close your eyes so I can get some snacks?

And we will never forget Jaxsons winning moment at the halloween party where he won best costume for being an angry bird. He gladly skipped up to the stage and took the microphone and said as loud as he could "Im Jaxson and Im an angry bird"

2011-10-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

The Lord uses a scale very different from the world's to weigh the worth of a soul .......Dieter F. Uchtdorf

This month has been an up and down of happiness and sadness. Most of the times, pure happiness because I am a lucky woman to have a great husband and three beautiful kids. Sadness, because for the first time in my life, I have pure hate in my heart. I hate a person so much that it actually makes myself hurt. Hate is a much different emotion than I ever expected it to be. You watch the TV programs where the scorned woman hates the man so much that she consumes her time boiling with rage. True hate is as I have discovered the most intense feeling of just regret. I just want this person to never appear in my life again.

I was distracted away from the important things in my life by something that was worthless. I have found myself again and the woman that I was before I made a really bad choice that I regret. I have discovered the true beauty of the atonement. I am not going to say that I am perfect again or that I ever was, I am just happy to have found the beauty of life again. And as I stated in the previous paragraph, I am still working on so many emotions and consequences of picking a path that should not have been taken, but because of the atonement, I can be restored to the kind of person I desire to be.

And the most beautiful part of everyday is that I look at my three beautiful little boys and I know that I am doing what I should have been doing from the very beginning.......working on myself so that I can be the mother they need to lead them in the world. I have been exposed to the worse part of the world in the past year and I have realized the danger my boys will face growing up in this world. I know the woman I have to be to raise them safe.

......Dont go away mad, just go away.....................................................

Trunk or Treat

2011-10-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

I wouldnt have nothing, if I didnt have you

2011-10-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of relaxation. (sort of) Carter is a full blown toddler full of trouble. He gets into everything. Poor Dallas can no longer use his dog door because Carter uses it to escape into the backyard. It is bringing back memories to toddle proof the house again. I remember having both Connor and Jaxson at this age and having some of the best times of my life. Carter has been a bitter sweet situation. I have had to battle since he was born against the worse kind of forces that would take a baby away from his mother. I would never regret having Carter or ever give him up without a fight. Because I do not claim to be perfect and I would be unrealistic if I said that I have never made mistakes as a mother but I love my little boys unconditionally. And I am grateful for a man in my life who is a good man to those boys.

2011-10-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

Halloween monsters

2011-10-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

2011-10-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

I still love Fall but I hate the colds that come with the change of the season. Cold germs have spread from oldest to youngest in this house this week. We have also had ulcers and kidney stones.......A month of the plaque. Carter is the newest victim and his nose has turned into a fountain of yucky goo. He has also learned how to stick his finger up there and to say the word "yellow". Not because of his nose but because I have been spending at least thirty minutes a day with him teaching him his colors. He now tells me "poo" but only after he has already gone but we have been practicing sitting on the toilet. Jaxson is learning so much in kindergarten and is truly my best little friend. He has the sweetest spirit ever and makes me remember everyday that there is happiness through sadness. Connor is doing well in third grade and works so hard on his hockey. He scores at least one goal every game. I know that I am a lucky woman because I truly have been blessed with three of the sweetest little boys. Without them I would be lost.

2011-10-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

Today the leaves were blowing across the road and over the lawns and the air smelled like Fall. I love it. I love trick or treating. I love wearing light jackets and sweaters. I LOVE fall food. My patient had a family member bring in fresh from the tree apples and they were so crisp and sweet. I decided that I have been a selfish cook and only cook the dinners I like but I decided to step out of myself. I made the boys a roast today with potatoes and carrots. It simmered all day in the slow cooker so the whole house smells like roast. I know some people love the smell of a roast simmering but I prefer something sweeter like pumpkin or cookies. But I still enjoyed the smell of roast better than the smell of work. Tuesday we are heading to johnsons farm to pumpkin and apple pick during the afternoon. I cant wait to take hayride with the little boys.

2011-10-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

Is it October already? I can't believe in a few short weeks we will be Trick or Treating. The boys are so excited this year to go. Connor is going to be a scary skeleton/grim reaper. Jaxson is going to be the red angry bird. I am making his costume and it has been so much fun. I can't wait to see how cute he is going to look on Halloween. I got a red shirt and glued and sewed feathers all over the front of it. Carter is going to be a little monster. He has perfected his monster growl. Whenever he sees anything scary or a monster he growls. Dallas the dog is going to be a bumble bee. I'm sure he will be thrilled with his costume.( Jaxson picked it out)

My favorite album right now is still Adele and I love driving around with my boys because they all sing along with the CD. Connor and Jaxson are growing up so fast. I miss having them as little babies but enjoy them as little boys too.

Carter is getting older now and becoming more independent and I miss having a baby. I think I must be crazy. I don't think I will ever not want to have little babies. I should have married someone who wanted 10 kids because I just can't stop missing that baby phase. I love the smell of newborns. The top of my babies heads smell like heaven to me. I love kissing little baby lips. And NOTHING in life is better than having a new baby wrapped all up and laying against your chest with their sweet milk breath blowing on your cheek. I love the age Carter is right now too. I love that he can walk and play and be independent and I love hearing him say, "mommy, mommy, mommy" and the way he holds out his arms for me to pick him up and hold him. Little arms wrapped around your neck feels divine. I would give my children anything. I would give them my happiness, life, or body if they needed it. And I still don't feel like it would be as much as they have given to me. For eight years they have been my happiness in life and in times where I didn't feel like going on anymore, they were my reason.

Carter 17 months

2011-09-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

These are pictures I got taken of Carter while we were out in Utah. It was a day I will never forget.

2011-09-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today we spent the day in the house since it was a rainy, fall day. We made chicken noodle soup, homeade rolls, and real oreo cookies from scratch. It was a yummy dinner. Carter enjoyed it the most. He sat at the table for a whole hour. In between cooking, I made Jaxson a new blankie. His old, Thomas the train blanket "disappeared" a few months ago so he picked out a Spongebob SquarePants material and he is happily wrapped in it on the couch.

My new favorite show is Billy the Exerminator. I could watch it all day. Maybe I should quit nursing and go be Billy's assistant.

Jaxson starts school

2011-09-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

Getting off the bus after the first day of school

First day of kindergarten!

And a week later, a lost tooth! It has been a busy month for Jaxson

2011-09-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

School started and both boys survived their first and second days. The magic of kindergarten has worn off and Jaxson cried this morning when I told him it was another day of school. I was all alone in the morning after Connor and Jaxson both left and I didnt know what to do with myself. It has been so long since I have been all alone. I wish I could say I did something exciting but I didnt. I cleaned and exercised and tried to remember all of the goals and dreams I had left to accomplish and which ones I could start working on. I heard a song on the radio today and I got very homesick for Utah. I miss the mountains and the feeling I get being there. After rereading this post I realize why I still have goals to accomplish.......my thoughts just jump too quickly from one place to the next. Maybe they will slow down with age?

2011-09-04T23:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been very exciting. Connors hockey team won first place in a tournament they played. His dream of winning a first place trophy finally came true. It is so much fun to see him getting so excited for sports. He is currently doing both soccer and hockey.

Both boys start school on Tuesday. I cant believe that Jaxson is in kindergarten. Where does time go? He asks me every day"Mom, do I go to school today?" He is really hung up on being 5 years old and likes to tell us that when he is 6 he will be able to do everything. Six is the magic number. Connor is less excited for school because he got a teacher that he didnt want to have. I know he will be fine because he is a good kid but he is scared.

2011-09-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

Knock and it shall be opened unto you

One day I'm going to get a picture of Carter as a man standing in this same spot

Half way to the doors

2011-09-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I will never forget the fun we had in Utah together or the closeness that I had being with you. Sometimes it's hard with the business of life and it was nice just to spend time with you in Utah with nothing to distract us or bring us down. My favorite memory from our trip will always be the time we spent together Sunday August 28th in American Fork at the Timpanogos Temple. You were so beautiful and happy running around the temple and smelling the flowers. Being the youngest, you have been surrounded by people since your birth that have given you love and attention and it was nice to have all your attention and love for 9 days and that I was able to focus all my love and attention just on you. You started saying, "baby", "what's that", and "no touch" while on vacation. You are really starting to repeat words that you hear and what use to be baby babble is starting to come out as real words. It makes me sad to see you transitioning from a baby to a toddler but it makes me happy too that you are growing and healthy. One day you may be angry at me, and you may even think that you don't like me but I will ALWAYS do my best to tell you and make you feel how much I love you and love having you in my life. I got the strongest feeling when walking around the temple with you that you were born into this world to be something very special. You are deeply loved by those around you.

Love

Mom

2011-08-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

This week has been so busy. I sat down with the boys on Monday and we planned the week of fun. Yesterday we went to the Philadelphia Zoo. The boys had so much fun looking at all the animals. Carter was let into the petting farm for the first time yesterday. He was beyond excited to brush all the goats down. He tried to climb on a few of them and ride away. We had a healthy lunch and played in the playhouse. It was not too hot outside so we had a nice time. AND....the boys were exhausted last night which meant I got an 8:30 PM bedtime. (Not worth the 6:00 AM wake up)

Today we finished school shopping. Connor has put all the erasers on his pencils and placed them all in his pencil box. (think I am over excited for school to start?) This afternoon we are making cookies and treats.

Tomorrow we are heading down to Maryland to see Skyler and the boys and swim on Aunt Sherries beach. It will be nice to see family and the boys love playing with Skylers boys.

What I think about at 1 AM

2011-07-09T21:32:00.001-07:00

I have a container of blueberries in my fridge because I love the person I bought them for

Sometimes life is just not fair, it is part of life.

Most of the hard times encountered in ones own life are the consequences of poor choices made

I want to grow old in a house with a wrap around porch and a rocking chair

Most days, I can't stand the smells of being a nurse

I love babies especially mine. I love to smell the top of their heads and lay close enough when they are sleeping to smell their milk breath

I am not finished having kids. I am going to have at least one more and I really don't care if I have a boy or a girl.

I love laying down in the afternoon and taking a nap. It is so relaxing.

I love the smell of cherry blossoms. It is my favorite lotion and I don't wear perfume, I wear cherry blossom body spray

I think I am most beautiful when I am surrounded by my kids. I think it is because they make me so happy

I have people in my life that I love, and they don't love me

I am slow to anger but once I release it, I usually over do it and then cry because I regret it

I drive down the road most days and have flashbacks of driving down Provo roads.

I searched all day today for airline tickets to go home. I am homesick

This week my grandma has been dead for 6 years and it still feels like yesterday. I miss her alot.

Jaxson makes me laugh because he has his own sayings which include, WHAT? Are you serious? Now that's what I'm talking about. And he is 100% jealous of his little brother Carter.

I love that I can have more adult like conversation with Connor. He is such a great little boy. He has the kindest spirit and his dads sense of humor and playfulness.

I have to be to work in 7 hours and I'm falling asleep at this lap top.

I can hear Carter in my room snoring. We had a great day.

After my shift tomorrow, I have ten days off in a row. I am making the best of the time and want to go on vacation. I am seriously considering driving my older boys to florida to disney world.

There is nothing worse than a thorn without a rose

2011-07-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

I got the day off so I spent the day with my little buddy Carter. I love him so much and I am grateful to have him in my life. All of my boys were the best gifts I ever received. They make life worth living on days when it doesn't feel like it is.

Connor and Jaxson spent the day at the beach with their dad. They have been begging all week to go and finally got their wish. I haven't seen them but from what I heard, even Jaxson who NEVER gets sun got a little red. It must have been hot at the jersey shore. Connor and Jaxson adore their father and have such a special bond with him. He truly enjoys playing with them everyday.

I have had a craving for ice cream. I find myself in the fridge at 3 AM eating!! It is not good. Last night I even got creative and made a coke float. I gotta stop.

tornado

2011-05-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

It is harder to breathe today. My nose is swollen inside and my throat is sore from the breathing tube.

I have been just relaxing which is something I RARELY get to do and with that come alot of thinking. I have been saying for a long time that this has been a really hard year but I have been lost for alot longer than a year. I don't know what happened to me. I imagine that victims of tornados stand with the same feeling of reflection as they look at the where their home use to stand and remember how perfect and beautiful it use to look before the storm hit. And marvel in the knowledge that something could be lost so quickly. I stand like the tornado victim looking at the broken pieces and wonder where to even begin. I am not a victim like someone who has the devastation of losing everything to a tornado. My "tornado" was a consequence of very bad choices. And the destruction I caused spread to the lives of those I love the most. And I look back on pictures of myself and my life from years ago and I see a different person. And I still wonder how that woman, so happy and confident got so lost. I wonder at what point my "tornado" hit. Because I am still in shock and standing back looking at what was lost and deciding how to start to rebuild. And I feel confident posting such intimate feelings here because I know that those people still reading this blog are the ones that truly love me despite my imperfections.

2011-05-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Surgery went well. Painful on the nose and throat but I'm alive and hopefully will be breathing normally again soon. I will post a pic just for grins and giggles. My eyes are swollen and I have two strings coming out of my nose taped to the bridge. How's this for weird? They put the mask on my face and right at that moment my favorite song from Adele came on the radio in the OR! I fell into my drug induced sleep with the best song ever! The recovery was a little rough. My nose felt like I was on fire. I had a great nurse who just kept pushing the fentynl and soon enough, life was bliss. Surgery took a little over an hour and a half. I was there at 6 AM and home by 11 AM. I have been sleeping on and off since. Jade and the boys are gone camping and I vaguely remember hearing Jaxson say, "Bye mom. I will miss you" as he raced out the door for a weekend of ooey gooey smores.

I have never been the kind of person to make goals or dreams, or so I thought. I had the major life goals to get married and have kids but never had a goal to go to college or get a profession. That just kind of happened. I have let go of some of my dreams this week and now I am soul searching for some new ones. Everyone expects the typical "woman" goals of losing weight, improving image. I'm thinking bigger.......like getting BSN then master's degree. Maybe Nurse Practitioner? I have this life. This one life to do great things with. I know I have had my share of the wrong things and now, I want to make great things. Don't get me wrong, I have made 4 REALLY great boys and that alone makes my life happy but I don't want to stop. I have this nursing degree for a reason? I know that compassion is not just something people are born with and I have been given this great overflowing gift of compassion for others....I have always wanted to donate my nursing skills to sick children in third world countries?? I want two things to be said of me at the end of my life: 1. I want my children to all say without any doubt they had a mother that loved them and believed in Jesus Christ 2. That I was a good woman that gave freely of my gifts and talents.

2011-05-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

Mommy's smile. I love this smile. It can make any bad day turn into a good one. We had so much fun at the park. I love spring days off and I love this age. This was Carter's first time to the playground and we had so much fun.

I found a lump in Jaxson's neck on Friday and was beside myself with worry. He has had a fever for a few days and I of course started thinking the worse. Cancer laid hard on my thoughts and the thoughts of losing my little boy were neurotic mother but it made me realize how precious life is and how much my kids mean to me. I prayed and cried and lost sleep. I called my mom and cried and was so consumed with the thoughts of what losing my little Jaxson would do to me. I have tend to be very controlling when it comes to my children and tend to forget they have a father......it is the mother inside of me. This whole experience was humbling to me because it made me realize the pain I would feel if I couldn't be with my children and felt compassion for the parents that can't be with their kids all the time. I am not a perfect person and I have alot to be sorry for but most of all my heart is sorry for the pain I have caused the people around me. I know I am not an easy person to love. I am not an easy person to get along with. I have problems but I am grateful for the true people that can love me at my worse. They truly are the ones that deserve me at my best.

2011-05-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to the thump of my little spiderman climbing out of his crib. Carter has a strong mind and body and when he sets his mind to something, he finds a way to accomplish it. My only child I will need a bed tent for.

Today is my dads birthday. It is hard being so far away from my family. Jaxson keeps asking me "when are we going to pop pops party" He doesnt understand the cross country distance. My dad is the hardest worker I know. I remember him working every day even Sunday. My dad is slow to anger but once mad, it takes him some time to calm down. He is the most forgiving person I know. I have never known him to hold a grudge. I can honestly say that I have a very good dad and I am grateful for that. I hope he has the best birthday ever.

2011-05-08T18:15:00.001-07:00

My mothers day gift was the return of my voice!!! I have not had it for almost a week. I missed it so much. Tonight I was hugging Jaxson and singing "To make you feel my love" to him and he smiled and said, "mom, your pretty voice is back again" I couldn't be upset or offended because I had a VERY ugly voice last week. I love singing (only when I am alone or with my children who love me no matter what, oh and I have been known to sing songs to my patients at work) and I have missed my morning concert in the shower before my day begins. My favorite song to sing right now is the song in my music player....adele Rolling in the Deep. Or my song with my BFF Tainted Love. Oh, and I can ALWAYS sing Grease. Even have a video stashed away of me and my high school friends singing Grease songs.

My heart is heavy right now as I am missing someone so much that it hurts. It's easy to forget and put away feelings during the day but at night your dreams unleash your real emotions. Funny how you can forget how someones voice sounds or the smell of their skin but one dream can be so real and vivid that smells and sounds come back to you. Memories are a blessing and a curse. Even with the heaviness of the longing, I would never erase the memories.

I got hugs from all three of my boys today so this day was a good one for me.

What motherhood means to me

2011-05-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

The joys of motherhood are life's sweetest rewards. I have had the experience of both the pleasure of becoming a mother and the anguish of losing a baby and the motherhood that comes with it. So I hold being a mother so close to my heart that sometimes I have to remind myself to step back. Having a child does not make a woman a mother any more than owning a piano makes a person a musician. The status of motherhood is conferred in the progression of life from infancy to childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood. While I am stuck in different stages of this progression this is what motherhood means to me:

Taking home a tiny human that comes with no instruction manual and sacrificing sleep, food, and self to make sure that little person has all of it's needs met. And NEVER in my life putting as much of myself and my soul into protecting and caring for that baby.

Motherhood is earned in the state of exhaustion caused by a sick child laying in your arms in the middle of the night crying and not being able to do anything but hold them close to you and pray. In the tears you cry when you have to watch your baby get shots.

The joys of watching all the firsts, seconds, thirds, fourth ect. Everyday is a joy watching them just be little kids and enjoy the small things in life.

The feeling of that small little head laying on your shoulders with little arms wrapped around your neck is the closest feeling to heaven.

Second best is waking up in the morning to a baby asleep in your arms and the sweet smell of milk blowing in your face while they peacefully sleep.

Having your second grader bring home a book he wrote and discover it is all about the fun things he likes to do with you.

Hearing the words, "Mom, you are my best friend. I love you"

Hearing little voices when you wake up in the morning calling for "Mom"

Getting faces painted at the zoo and the proudness and happiness displayed on a five year olds face because he has now become spiderman.

Having a REALLY bad day at work and turning over my clipboard to see three little boys smiling at me and find myself smiling back.

Seeing any of my kids cry because another child has been mean and knowing that my heart is breaking just as bad for them.

Dedicating a whole day of fun with all of them and just being spontaneous. Doing whatever their hearts desire because right now, I can do that once in a while. And Im selfish because I know it makes me happier than it makes them.

I have not progressed yet from childhood to adolescent stage and I pray hard that I will be just as happy as I am right now with my three little boys. I like to think that all of my little boys looked down from heaven and said, "That is going to be my mom" Because I know that before I left heaven I saw four little spirit boys playing and said, "I'm going to do my best to be a good mother to those boys. I am going to love them with all of my heart and will take the tears with the happiness they will bring me. "

2011-05-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a rough day. i hate being sick and not having full function of my body. I do not like pain and hate having all these things i want to do but too tired and sick to accomplish them. I complain like a baby but i know this experience helps me have compassion for my patients who are sick. It is always easier to know how someone feels when you have walked in their shoes. Right now I am just going to enjoy my memory foam and finish reading some books I have meant to complete. Maybe God knows just when someone needs a little break

2011-05-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

stupid left lung....i am in so much pain and so sick. anyone have a lung to donate to me?

2011-05-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

Connor loves hockey. We are so proud of him for making the Comcast team for next year and can't wait to see his talent grow as he plays on this challenging team. So far for this season his team is undefeated and Connor remains one of the top players. Jaxson has told me that he will hockey when he turns 6. He has made 6 this magical number and has promised me that he will do alot of other important things when he turns six. For now, he is 5 and can't do it. (doesn't want to do it)

The past few months have been very difficult and I have had days I have felt so worthless and down that it was a struggle. I am so grateful for my children because without them, I couldn't do it. I had a day that I was in my room crying and Jaxson walked in with a paper towel and started wiping the tears off my face. I am so proud of all my children and think they are just wonderful.....all three of them. Connor is not affectionate but he has been so wonderful helping me clean up the house and just sitting with me sometimes. Carter gives wonderful, tight hugs that make any bad day better. Being a mother is the greatest gift I have ever received and I am humbled to be the mother of three wonderful little boys. Nothing I have done or will ever do will EVER be as special as being a mother. I am not a perfect person and I have made PLENTY of mistakes in my life that I wish I could do over but I want my kids to always know that they made my life happy. I have spent many hours crying and in prayer over their wellbeing. It seems that the children should need the parent to make it through life but I will admit that I need my children probably more than they need me. My hope is that my boys will look back on me one day as their mother and accept that I am human and prone to making mistakes but they will know the love that I have for them and know me for the true person that I am. One day my father told me, "We did the best we knew how" and I want my children to be able to look back on their childhood and say, "my mom did the best she could" If left for me to decide, I would have children until I couldn't possibly have anymore because I love this time of my life right now and the sweetness of these little boys. I know that my future holds great potential and my only goal is to one day stand and say, "nothing was ever more important than my children"

2011-05-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

I woke up today with a head cold and aches in my body. Must be getting old. But if I'm getting older than everyone else is too. I have my big surgery day on May 13th. Friday the 13th! I will probably wake up with one of my arms or legs missing. I am very superstitious and I hate friday the 13th. Especially if it is a friday the 13th that I am being sedated and cut up. That weekend is also the annual boys camp out so I will be home all alone in a quiet house to recover. Does it mean I need a vacation when I am looking forward to this like it's a respite?

I have shut the TV off today because every station is talking about Bin Laden's death. While it was exciting this morning when I woke up and first heard about it, I don't care to hear anymore. A news reporter this morning was requesting on live TV for the photos of his body to be released to the US people so they could have confirmation that he is in fact dead. What is wrong with people? I don't need to see photos of a dead body and I certainly don't want them on the TV where my children might catch a glimpse of them. A man at walmart is claiming the end of the world is May 21st. I say...bring it on.

The Zoo

2011-04-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

Carter dancing

2011-04-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

I embarress myself to show how cute my child is....focus on the baby, not the idiot in the blue shirt.

April 25, 2011

2011-04-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

It has been beautiful weather here in New Jersey so tomorrow we are heading to the zoo. Connor is jealous as he returns to school tomorrow from spring break and can't come with us, but it will be fun to take Carter now that he is old enough to watch the animals. I have a bit of a break from work and I am going to enjoy every minute I have away from work. I miss my kids terribly when I have to work.

Connor finally let me cut his long hair off. All of it. It looks 100% better. He looks so grown up now. It's hard to believe he is 8 years old already. The carnival starts tomorrow in our town and Connor has been reading the signs hung all over the side of the road. Can't hide the carnival from him anymore.

Jaxson is really interested in writing right now and can write his name finally. He has a book I bought him that he loves to sit and practice writing all his letters in. I took Jaxson rollerskating for the first time last Friday. He looked like a baby deer standing for the first time....shaky and scared. He did very well but told me after, "I fell alot so I don't like it"

Carter has started waving hi and bye to everyone. He uses his hand and just opens and closes it. Yesterday at church he saw a picture of Jesus and got very excited. As I got closer to the picture I said, "Carter, where is Jesus?" and he pointed his little finger right at that picture. He likes to growl still and say, "num, num" while he is eating. I took him for his birthday pictures last week but he ran into another child in the photo studio while we were waiting and got a little bruise on his forehead. I will wait until he is bruise free. I took all the boys after to the mall and Carter got his first picture with the Easter Bunny. I usually skip the Easter pictures after Connor made a fist at the age of three and tried to punch the Easter Bunny. I couldn't pass up the picture though. Carter was not afraid and had a beautiful smile for the Easter Bunny. He is a little dancer and this weekend I was playing a dance game on the xbox and when Lady Gaga came on Carter just started rocking out. I grabbed the camara and got it on video and will post it as soon as I figure out how. He has his grandmothers dance moves.

The three lizards have escaped, the fish are still swimming, and the dog is dong everything he can to stay out of the range of Carter's hands. His love is too rough for poor Dallas.

Easter Sunday 2011

2011-04-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Carter

2011-04-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

12 months old

2011-04-19T17:35:00.001-07:00

A whole year has passed and we love you Carter more and more everyday! You no longer walk through the house, you RUN! You have such a loving, kind personality. You smile at everyone and L-O-V-E to play with your older brothers. You share a very special bond with your older brother Connor. He can always make you smile, even when you are really mad. You still love Elmo and Cookie Monster and you like to babble to us in your monster voice. You have mastered the stairs both up and down and you can climb into anything! You are such an active little boy. If music plays you immediately start dancing. You like an audience and you make sure that you get attention everywhere you go. You give very rough hugs and open mouth kisses. You have four teeth now and your favorite food is pizza. You did not inherit the "picky" gene and will eat almost anything offered to you. You have a blue teddy bear and a soft brown blanket that you hug close everynight and just fall asleep. Words cannot express how much joy you have brought into the lives of those who love you.

2011-03-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

11 months old

2011-03-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

10 months old

2011-03-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

10 months old and standing all over the place. Carter started the Frankenstein walk and quickly learned how to make those legs move! He has developed a bit of a temper and likes to make his body go stiff and throw himself on the floor when he is mad. He has started giving hugs and still has such a beautiful, contagious smile. He likes to sneak up behind his brothers and attack them from behind. He jumps on Connor and likes to wrestle all over the floor with him.

9 months old

2011-02-02T15:47:00.000-08:00

Nine months old already and still having fun. Carter has two teeth now on the bottom and his front teeth will be coming in soon. He can say "mama", "dada", and "dog" He loves his older brothers and Connor has given him the nickname Gaga. He can stand and walk around the furniture and can let go and stand alone for a few minutes. He likes holding your fingers and walking places. We got alot of snow this month and Carter had fun putting his snow suit on and sitting in the powder for a little bit. Of course he tried eating it. His favorite food is still carrots and sweet potatoes and prefers eating our dinner over his. He likes the Gerber cheddar cheese curls and can eat a whole can if you let him. (I bet he will be a Cheetos fan) He is still a happy little guy but he has started making strange with people he doesn't know. He LOVES Elmo. I cannot stress that enough. He will point to Elmo in the the book and gets happy when the Elmo song plays. I took him to Kohl's last week and spotted a Cookie monster doll he just insisted on taking home. He has a strong will and he is not easily distracted from something he wants. It's hard to believe that Spring will be here soon and Carter will be turning one.

Connor is eight years old

2011-01-31T18:25:00.000-08:00

2011

2011-01-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

8 months old

2010-12-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

Eight months old already! Time is going by so fast. Carter got his first tooth on December 6th. I finally held him down and got a picture of it for the records. He likes to hide it with his tongue. He likes to chew on everything and anything. He is really interested in eating now and watches your mouth very carefully when you are eating trying to figure the whole chewing action out. He is crawling on all fours now and is VERY fast. Especially when you are walking away from him and he is chasing after you or going after Dallas the dog. He likes to get into everything and as I type this he is playing with all the buttons on the stereo system. He recently learned how to pull himself to a standing position at the furniture so he practices his new skill all day. He is the youngest one out of the three boys to pull himself to a standing position. I predict he will be the earliest walker but only time will tell. He has the prettiest green eyes and the biggest smile. You can't help but smile back at him.

Pre Christmas 2010

2010-12-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

Carter 7 months

2010-12-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

Seven months is so much fun! Carter is scooting all over the floor and getting up on his hands and knees making attempts to crawl on all fours. He says "dada" and "mama" and likes to make alot of noises. He is still very happy and smiles at everyone but now he sticks his tongue out when he smiles. He loves to eat carrots and still hates fruits. He makes a sour face when you feed him anything sweet. He loves Elmo and gets really excited when he sees his Elmo doll. He got his first cold and ear infection this month and his bottom teeth are on the verge of breaking through. He can sit on his own and still sleeps through the night. He loves being held and likes to rest his head on your shoulder and snuggle. He made a decision this month to resist the pacifier and my hopes of having one baby that took a pacifier are dashed. He is still a very pleasant little guy who always has a smile and brings joy to the lives of those who love him.

Carter

2010-11-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

We made it to six months. In fact we are soooo close to seven months. Carter is still just a happy little baby. He always has this big smile when he sees you. He is rolling, scooting, and wiggling all over the place. He is a determined little guy and gets where he needs to go. He has started on baby food but only likes to eat carrots and sweet potatoes. He is my first baby to dislike fruits. He just had his six month check up and he is almost 17 lbs and 27 inches long. He is finally starting to grow some hair and he will need it for winter. He has been teething for the past TWO months and we are waiting for his teeth to show up anyday now. He loves when his older brother Connor holds him and plays with him. He really likes when he is fast enough and sneaks up on the Dallas the dog. He loves grabbing fistfuls of that soft fur. Carter continues to be just a happy, beautiful baby.

September 2010

2010-09-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

Trying to get three boys to look at the camera all at the same time and smile is getting impossible.

Connor age 7 Jaxson age 4 Carter 5 months

Carter

2010-09-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

September 2010

2010-09-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

Three reasons to smile everyday

2010-08-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm back

2010-08-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

I took a break from blogging for a little bit but I am back. I took a stumble in life and I am picking myself up, brushing off my bruised knees, and taking steps forward. No reason to stay down on the ground. (this brings back memories of the time my grandma feel down at the movie theater and stayed on the ground because she was so embarrassed, I have felt that way too)

Connor started soccer this week. He is so excited to get out there and play. He is growing up so fast and I can hardly believe that he will be starting 2nd grade. He is so responsible for his age and tries so hard to act older. I want him to slow down and not grow up so fast. I would give anything to go back to the summer of 2003 when he was a chunky baby that liked to lay in my arms.

Jaxson is like the tornado of the family. He NEVER stops moving. He is so loud and powerful. He comes in the room and you know he is there. He is loud, can't stop moving, and sometimes grates on the nerves but will be the first one to tell you he loves you when you need it the most. I took Carter for pictures today and Jaxson drove me crazy running through the photo studio but I forgot all about it when he told me on the drive home, "Mom, I love you" Just out of no where and just when I really needed to hear those words. He is the first one to walk up to a stranger and say, "What is your name? My name is Jaxson." When they tell him their name, he promptly hugs them and frequently gives them a kiss. Even strangers! Sometimes it is embarrassing when he is hugging and kissing people in Walmart but I love how kind he is. He has so much compassion.

Carter is such a happy baby. He smiles at everyone and giggles when you tickle him by his arms. He loves to watch his brothers wrestle on the floor and doesn't seemed fazed by the madhouse his brothers create. I think he will fit right in when he is old enough to get on the floor with them. He weighs 14 lbs now and still has NO hair! His nickname this month is Slimer because he is drooling so much! I expect teeth to appear soon.

I will post some pictures soon of all the boys. We are sad to see summer winding to a close but happy in our own way to put it behind us.

2010-07-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

This morning was filled with laughter and silly play with three little boys. Summer vacation means lounging around in PJ's and living easy. Just enjoying the moments. We have made strawberry Popsicle's and played at the park. Watched movies and taken afternoon naps. I love watching my kids play in the summer heat and the memories of my childhood summers spent with neighborhood friends.

I have learned so much over the past few months about love. I never imagined that at my age I would still be learning life lessons but they come daily. The basics are taught when children are little and then it seems that life steps in and teaches the harder lessons. I look at my little children and I love them so much and I see so much greatness in all of them. I have never taken the easy way in my life. My mom and dad taught me the difference between right and wrong and I listened but always had to challenge it. It was never enough to just have them tell me, I had to experience it. A month ago I told Jaxson not to touch the pan on the counter because it was hot and would hurt him. I turned around and while I was not looking, he touched it. He cried and I attended to his finger which was red but not damaged. I have reflected on that over and over again because I realized that day the love for a parent and a child. I gave Jaxson the lesson and told him why he shouldn't touch the pan but he did and it hurt him. And I love him so I was there to love him and try to soothe his pain. Then gently remind him that I tried to teach him before he had to experience the pain. And in this point in my life, I realize that as an adult, I am still touching the pan and that love, when it is true unselfish love, never goes away.

****Had to add something I forgot. I went to see Eclipse at midnight opening night and LOVED it. Best movie of the series so far! I wish I could have been in Utah with my Utah Twilight nerds but I am grateful for my Jersey Twilight nerds! Was harder this time to go at midnight since I have a baby that likes to stay up late and wake up early but worth it***********************

9 and 10 weeks

2010-06-29T19:25:00.001-07:00

Week 9 slipped past us and I cannot believe it is the beginning of Week 10. Carter is such a happy baby and smiles at everyone he sees. He is still very mellow and just loves being held and talked to. He HATES the car and cries the whole time you are driving unless he is already asleep when you put him in. He is figuring out how to use his hands and kicks his feet and smiles when he gets enough coordination to get his little fists into his mouth. He tries desperately to get his fingers in there to suck on. He has decided this week that he doesn't care for the pacifier anymore. I knew it was too good to be true. I hope to keep up to date on these weekly updates on Carter for the first year of his life and make them into a book for him when he turns one. I kept baby books for Connor and Jaxson but regret that I didn't keep a journal of their weekly developments. Connor fed Carter his first bottle this week and I was so proud of him for being so kind and talking to Carter while he was eating. He made sure to press all the air out of the bottle before giving it to him. Jaxson is still very concerned about where his little brother is at all times. If he is in his crib sleeping, Jaxson likes to peek in and make sure he is ok. We are all relishing this time with Carter that he is still so new and perfect.

8 weeks

2010-06-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

Carter has become a happy, smiling baby. He loves being held and sleeping in his swing. He is the only one to take a pacifier and hasn't shown any preference for a blanket yet. He is still sleeping through the night and doesn't cry loud too often. He gets mad and just growls a little bit. He is a very pleasant little guy who is easy to please. We love him so much.

Hospital

2010-06-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling 100% since having Carter. I had a cold three weeks ago and thought I was better. On Monday I had some body aches and thought I just needed some vitamins and rest. Tuesday morning was a little worse. I was sitting on the couch feeding Carter and I got this horrible pain in my left arm, shoulder, back, and chest. I ignored it at first. Then it got hard and painful to breathe. I started getting panicked because I thought I might have a blood clot. I waited for the pain to go away and it didn't. So, I called 911. My first ride in an ambulance. I spend hours in the emergency department. Had MANY tests done and found out I had pneumonia and pleurisy. I spent 3 nights in the hospital with IV meds. I am feeling a little bit better. Some things I learned for better nursing skills:
Dont let my patients suffer in pain. If they say they are in pain, do something
Answer the call light within a 10 minute frame. Not 1 hour
Heparin shots.....HURT! Those small needles injected in the stomach sure burn!
Zithromax running through an IV really hurts! Especially if it runs too fast. It it better to run it over a long period of time and not have the patient feel like their arm in on fire.
Patients get more rest at home at night than in the hospital. They like to take vital signs and draw blood when you are sleeping at night!
I should invent a comfortable hospital bed. I needed one with a memory foam. If I ever have to spend a long period of time in the hospital I want a memory foam.

I got my pre-auth letter from the insurance company today. I had been approved for 7 days. I wanted to take the letter back to the hospital and tell them I was coming back for the other days I was approved for. Baby was fussy today and the other boys are in summer wild mode. It is exhausting.

Had a bad day

2010-06-09T19:30:00.001-07:00

2010-06-08T01:45:00.000-07:00

Lately the weather has been beautiful. Yesterday we headed to Baja Fresh and the park. The boys enjoy playing outside until the sun has completely gone down. They are both counting down the days until summer vacation. I am not looking forward to entertaining them. They refuse to go into the backyard still because of the snake. Even though I tell them the snake is long gone.

my mom

2010-06-04T06:11:00.000-07:00

1978

2000

2010-06-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Really miss my family and friends right now. Being in New Jersey has become very difficult. Baby blues?? Could be. I think about going home but a 4 day drive doesn't sound like fun. In fact, I would rather have all my toe nails pulled out. Even a 4 hour flight sounds like cruel torture with a 6 week old and a 4 year year old. I can feel the cloud sitting above my head and I know I need to do something to push it away before it starts raining. I have had post pardum depression with all my kids and this is the first one that I have decided NOT to use medication with....I just keep reminding myself...I can do this. I say this chant, "I will not become Brittney Spears, I will not become Brittney Spears" I would not look good bald. But I would look more like Carter.

Carter 6 weeks

2010-06-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks. Time flies when you are having fun. Carter is growing so big! I love pinching him all over his chunky little body. He really tries hard to look at your face now and when he tries to focus on you, his little eyes cross. The dog has finally lost interest in Carter and all his baby stuff. Jaxson is still very concerned about his little brother and LOVES to show him off. He shows up with a neighbor or stranger from outside at least once a day to show him off. This morning I was sitting on the couch and Jaxson was sitting next to me. My stomach growled REALLY loud (it was crying out for more cake) and Jaxson looked horrified and said, "MOM!! Where is Carter? Are you sitting on him? He is making noise to get out!" LOL, I had to stand up to make him calm down. He had to be sure his brother was not under me.

Carter still likes his pacifier and being held. I have become an expert in feeding him while feeding myself. He has given me some half smiles and I expect the big smile to come anyday. I can't wait to hear him giggle. He LOVES bath time. He only cries when it is time to get out. He must have liked those months inside when he was in water all the time. He sleeps from 9:30 PM until 4:30 AM. He will eat and go back to sleep until 7 AM. He is still peeing on me when I am not fast enough changing his diaper. He is such a joy for this family.

2010-06-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

My day today has been long. My morning went like this:
7 AM-baby awake-nurse Carter
8AM-finish getting the boys ready for school-nurse Carter
9AM-nurse....you can guess who
10AM-WHAT??? Nursing again.....what is going on?? Wait, let me count...1,2,3,4,5....Oh, 6 weeks. We are at the 6 week growth spurt.Ok, it's going to be a long day.
11AM-Nursing while watching dumb people on Price is Right. I wouldn't kiss Drew Carey.
11:30-Time to go for a drive. Baby needs to go to sleep.

I have a quiz for you.....
I ate a whole cake today. Did I do it because.....
A. post baby depression
B. I want to play The Biggest Loser
C. I have no self control

And to close I have a funny story about Connor. I heard frantic banging on the front door on Friday.I opened it and Connor and his friend Gio came running in screaming "SNAKE!!!!!!!!!" There was a snake in the backyard. Just a small black one but I heard then talking later and saying, "It was a black mamba." "I saw it's teeth. It had fangs" LOL

2010-06-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

Falling Asleep

Took his pacifier. He didn't like that.

Gave it back and all is well again

Jaxson always wants to help with Carter. He wanted to feed him his bottle on Monday morning. He tries so hard to help. Today I was making him a sandwich in the kitchen and Carter started crying in the living room. He was still in his car seat because we had just arrived home and I went into the living room and Jaxson was sitting next to the seat rocking it. He is such a loving kid. At four he already has so much compassion. Whenever he does something wrong he immediately says, "I'm sorry". And will follow it with a big kiss and hug. Yesterday he did something, I can't even remember what, but it was something bad and he said to me,"Mom, is that my last chance?" I guess I can't use that one anymore.....

2010-05-31T17:39:00.000-07:00

Today I do not like:
humidity
angel wings
songs on the radio that I liked at one time and now hate to listen to
hamburgers that are too big
crying
the 15 minutes before bedtime when suddenly the kids are starving and remember they have homework to finish before tomorrow
dreaming

I do like:
my memory foam waiting to cradle me to sleep tonight

Grandma

2010-05-30T19:02:00.001-07:00

This weekend would have been my grandma's birthday. I thought about and missed her today. She is still the greatest woman I have ever met. I learned so much from my grandmother growing up. She was an example of long suffering, patience, and unconditional love. Grandma loved all of us despite our weaknesses. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for her to have three small children at home, an husband who was an alcoholic, and being responsible for being the sole provider for the family. I never heard her complain or even talk bad about the situation she lived in. She was so much fun. I spend many weekends sleeping over at grandma's house with my cousins. Grandma would buy us cookies, soda, and candy and let us eat as much as we liked. She would play games with us, ride bikes with us, and she NEVER said no. I'm not kidding when I say that she never said no. She let her grandkids do anything. I even remember her letting us drive her car before we had licenses. My grandparents had cement flooring in their basement and me and Skyler decided to turn the basement into a skating rink. Grandma let us spray paint all over the walls and hang up a disco ball.

My grandma was at my high school graduation and she urged me to continue on with my education. Two years later she was at my first college graduation. She attended my first wedding and a year later hugged me as I filed for divorce and told me I was destined for better. She was there for the birth and death of my first son and that was the first time I saw my grandma cry. She hugged me and promised me that one day I would have another child. Four years later she held my newborn son Connor.

I miss having her here for all my milestones now. I wish she could have been here to see me graduate from nursing school as she was the one who told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. She died when I was pregnant with Jaxson and I feel sorrow when I look at my boys, I wish that they could have known her. She was such a light in my life and I will always remember her cheerful laugh.

2010-05-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

Back from the doctors and I am sore. Two spots removed and sutured up. Both of them on my left side.....makes nursing very uncomfortable. I go back in two weeks and will possibly have the other spots removed. The one spot was high enough I could see everything they were doing. At one point I looked down and there was a hole in me! A nice round hole where my flesh had been removed. That is the point I started shaking and sweating. I am such a baby. I would love to watch the process on someone else...not me. When they loaded the needle to numb me and came towards my chest with it, I got nervous. Sharp objects near my breasts make me nervous. (haha)

Carter or Jaxson

2010-05-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

Which baby is Jaxson and which one is Carter??? Everyone comments about how much Carter looks like Jaxson. I thought it would be fun to compare pictures at the same age.

5 weeks

2010-05-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

We made it to 5 weeks. Carter is growing bigger and bigger everyday. He is starting to feel like a 10 lb bag of rice when you pick him up because he is so squishy. We had a really bad day yesterday.....he seems to have one about once a week. He just cries and fusses all day. I would cry too if I had to live in that little body that doesn't work the way he wants it to yet.

I have been feeling guilty lately for neglecting the other two kids. Connor is easy to please, I buy him pokemon cards every week at the grocery store and he is satisfied. Jaxson, he is a little harder. Today I loaded Carter and Jaxson in the car and we headed to McDonalds. Not just for food but I gave Jaxson an hour of play time on the playset. He was in heaven. I felt he deserved it because I dragged him to my work before and he was so patient waiting for me to talk with the bosses. He was so kind and loving to all the seniors and even gave my favorite little lady Ruth a kiss on the cheek. He was so excited and cute making everyone look at his new little brother. I can't wait to tell Carter one day how excited his older brother Jaxson was to show him off.

Memorial Weekend will be filled with appointments, moves, and hopefully some relaxing. I am going back to the specialist tomorrow about my skin. I hope this one will have some answers for me and I am going to insist on a biopsy on at least one of the spots. I have found two more areas with a total now of 6. Scary since the first doctor I went to was concerned because I had two.

2010-05-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

As promised, a photo from one month. I did not get the pictures I had taken because they were not ready when I went on Friday to pick them up. I was very upset!

Carter had his one month check up today. He missed getting his shots because I forgot to add him to the insurance policy so he was not insured. He got a full check from the doctor and is a healthy little boy. Only concern they have is they suspect he has reflux. They gave me the referral to get a milk scan done but I think I will wait it out another month. He is now 10 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. His head and chest measure in the 50th percentile. He is perfect.

Coming home from church yesterday Connor said to Carter, "Carter, you have big brains" I guess that is a brothers way of saying....you have a big head.

2010-05-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

We made it to one month! And what a month it has been. Carter is a man of schedules. He sleeps and eats at the same times every day. He does not sleep through the night anymore. He must be a Rob Thomas fan because at 3 AM he screams for me. He must be lonely. HAHAHAHA

Tomorrow night is the annual father son camp out. This will be Jaxson's first year going. He is so excited. I hope Jade doesn't lose him.

Tomorrow night will be a mom and Carter night. He can't wait to sleep in that big, soft bed with me all night.

I get the photos back tomorrow that I got taken a week ago. I will post them when I get them. I will also post Carter's 4 week old photo soon. Until then, enjoy this one. He looks like he is going to punch me. He really does love bath time.

Carter 3 weeks old

2010-05-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

2010-05-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

I don't get to blog as often as I would like anymore. In fact, I don't get to shower as often as I would like anymore. Or eat.......or sleep.......but it is so much fun holding my little baby. And when he is awake and going cross eyed from trying so hard to focus on my face, it makes it all worth it.

Connor is still busy playing hockey. He had two games this weekend and unfortunately his team lost both of them. Not because of his lack of skills. He has a natural talent for hockey and soccer. It is so much fun watching him play.

Jaxson will be our actor. I am still making that prediction. He has NO interest in sports at all. He prefers watching shows and memorizing the theme songs and singing them. He likes to change his voice tone to match how he is feeling and likes being the center of attention. He has to make sure everyone notices him. His new favorite excuse for EVERYTHING...."I'm too sick mom! I can't do it" He is currently trying to convince me as I type this that his shirt which says The Rolling Stones.....does not say that but instead it says....Buy me donuts. He loves showing everyone his baby brother Carter. He made sure everyone at stake conference today got a glimpse of his brother.

And Dallas the dog is a pain in the butt. He has ripped up more diapers and pacifiers than I even care to admit. (because I am the one that usually forgets about them and leaves them within reach)

We have been on an Arrested Development kick since having Carter. We spend most of our time sitting at home watching all the episodes on netflix. I cannot believe they canceled that show. I want to start a petition to bring Arrested Development back. It was a great show.

I took Carter this week to get his first picture taken. It didn't go so well. He woke up when we got there and did not want to sit still. He was twisting, turning, and trying to eat everything. The photographer convinced me to get in the photo with him promising not to get any of my post baby fat in the picture....she was a liar. I will post the pictures when I get them back. I am taking him somewhere else in the next two weeks. I wasn't happy with these pictures and I forgot the hat for his blessing outfit.

3 weeks old

2010-05-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

My first week alone and things have gone smoothly. Carter is no longer sleeping through the night. That has been rough. He is so similar to Connor as a newborn and demands to be held all the time. (even when sleeping) He has the ability to tell when he has been laid down. It makes for long nights. Mothers Day had a whole new meaning this year. It was so special to have such a new spirit this Mothers Day. I am so happy to have three little boys.

2 weeks old

2010-05-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

Carter is two weeks old. I can't believe how time flies. It has been easy because I had my mom and sister the first week to help me and Jade was home all this week. I'm all alone next week and afraid I will be screaming to take mental health days but they have all been used up. Haha. Here are some of Carter's two week highlights.

Bedtime: He falls asleep at 10 PM and sleeps until 5 AM. I pray everynight that this pattern of rest does NOT stop.

Favorite time of the day: Bathtime. He LOVES to be in the bath. He never cries. I have pictures of both Connor and Jaxson screaming in the bath water and Carter is just content.

Because he is such a good sleeper at night, he misses some of his feedings and makes up for them during the day. He wants to nurse every 2 hours during the day. Sometimes every hour. When I look at the rolls of fat developing on his arms and legs, it makes it worth it.

He cries in the car. He does not seem to like being in his swing, car seat, or bouncy chair. He prefers to be held in mommy or daddy's arms.

He has a reddish tint to his scarce hair and his eyes are still blue but may be changing? I have my money on blue and Jade is convinced they will turn brown. I predict he will be bald in 2 more weeks. The hair line is moving back more and more everyday.

He still has the plugged tear ducts. His eyes always water and occasionally have to be wiped out with a cotton ball because they drain mucous. The doctor told us it can take up to 6 months to resolve.

He tries hard to cry REALLY loud but just doesn't seem to have the lung power yet. (small blessings from God)

2010-05-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

I have to document that a true miracle occured in the Borowski home last night. Carter slept from 10 PM until 7 AM. A full night of sleep for me! I am not getting too excited as I expect to be up with him tonight but it was so sweet last night.

2010-04-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Underwood Hospital,
I regret to inform you that I believe an error was made. On April 21, 2010 I gave birth to a calm, beautiful baby boy. While the boy that I took home with me on April 23, 2010 is still beautiful, he does not match the description of calm anymore. I believe an error has been made. If by chance (and I know it is a slim chance) another mother contacts you wondering where her beautiful, fussy baby went then please direct her my way. In the meanwhile, I will continue to care for and love this child despite his frustrated screams.

Thank you
Shannon Borowski

2010-04-25T11:36:00.001-07:00

Wow, remember all those posts of me complaining of the pains of pregnancy??? Well, I forgot how much your body hurts after labor. OUCH! I feel like I was picked up by a tornado and every muscle in my body was twisted and pulled. I wonder if they would give me my epideral now if I went back to the hospital?

We have had our first diaper casualty. We attended Connor's hockey game last night and came home to find a diaper eaten and destroyed by Dallas. I refuse to let that dog lick me or breathe on me now.

The demands of motherhood have returned to my memory. I so wish for the time when it was my first baby and I could get away with just nursing and laying in bed with him all day. Don't get me wrong, I love Connor and Jaxson VERY much and that is the hardest part. I miss spending time with them right now. Newborns are very demanding. I do enjoy this time getting to know my new son. It is just feels like trying to do a juggling act right now with one arm and 5 eggs.

Carter

2010-04-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

Carter Ricky

2010-04-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

He is here! Carter was born Wednesday April 21, 2010 at 10:40 AM. He is our smallest baby weighing in at 7 lbs 6 oz and 19 inches long. He has the lightest and least amount of hair than the other two had and light eyes.

The big brothers have been up to the hospital to see their new brother and the only complaint they have is they want to hold him all the time. Jaxson wants to love on his little brother and demands that you take his picture holding him all the time. Connor is old enough that he asks me alot of questions about how little Carter is and how and what he is eating. Very concerned about his brothers care.

Carter was our fastest delivery and arrived 40 minutes after the doctor finished breaking my water. He was our first and LAST baby to be delivered completely drug free. I got NOTHING (not by choice, I was sitting up to get my epideral when he decided to come out) not even a tylenol! I don't know how women did it before epiderals and had more than one baby! I only suffered for 40 minutes but it was enough.

Washington DC

2010-04-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

With labor getting closer (hopefully), we decided to take a day trip to Washington DC to see the Cherry Blossoms. It was perfect weather and other than hitting traffic on the way down, it was a perfect Saturday. Some highlights:

Being stuck in a less than desirable neighborhood in DC in traffic. A homeless man was sitting on the corner with a long brown beard and hair. Jaxson rolled down the window and yelled, "Hey Jesus, it's me Jaxson"
Getting to the Cherry Blossom festival and finding out it most of the blossoms fell off on Tuesday. We still managed to walk around and find a few trees with blossoms still left.
Walking F-O-R-E-V-E-R from the festival to the Air and Space Museum. I thought for sure it would bring on labor. No such luck, just caused a terrible back ache.
Distracting Jaxson so he wouldn't see all the McDonalds along the way to the Air and Space Museum and back.
Finding Jade's FAVORITE place to eat on the way home....The Golden Corral. Eating rolls with honey butter until I was sick.
Eating lunch as a family next to the Potomac River and watching the men fish along the banks. I could have just sat on that bench all day in the sun.
For Jade, I think the most memorable moment was being able to use his Camaro as a family car. It may have been the last and only time it will be used to drive this family to any destination.
And my most memorable moment will be all the stops I made between the festival and the museums to use the bathroom. I would make an excellent tour guide now for those who are bladder impaired.

Trampoline

2010-04-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

The boys have been having so much fun with their new trampoline. These photos are before the big safety net was put up. The weather has been beautiful. The high 80's!!!!

2010-04-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

Connor 2003

Jaxson 2005

I was so anxious and excited today for Carter. I began looking at old baby pictures of my boys and found these birth photos. It reminded me of what a spiritual and exciting experience it is to give birth. I cannot wait to hold Carter in my arms. This little spirit has no idea how excited this family is getting to welcome him.

2010-04-02T06:56:00.001-07:00

The boys got their trampoline and the weather has been in the high 70's. Spring is in full force and I got my first taste of what this summer is going to be like. Connor and Jaxson outside from sun up to sun down. Baths at night where the water is brown when they get out. And I get the pleasure of watching them and remembering how much fun it is to be a child in the summertime. I will post some pictures soon of the bouncing action. I got on the trampoline and tried to bounce Carter out but it was unsuccessful. I have given up and left it up to him. He will come when he decides OR until the doctor decides.

You couldn't pay me enough

2010-03-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

After viewing Jaxson's class picture....I have decided that being a nurse isn't that bad. I would NOT want to be a preschool teacher. His teacher is a saint.

Evolution of a growing belly and bloated face

2010-03-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

2010-03-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

Some recent photos.......I am 35 weeks in both pictures! Getting to the end. Connor is taking hockey twice a week and Jaxson's photo shows how much joy he experiences watching Connor's practices.

2010-03-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

With the birth of this new baby coming up, I made a decision to go private. I want to be able to post pictures of the new one without worrying about strangers viewing those first intimate photos.

Counting down the days until Carter arrives and getting VERY excited. I will post some pictures soon.

2010-03-13T20:00:00.000-08:00

This insomnia is killing me. I can't get back on schedule. I'm exhausted during the day and at night I can't quiet my thoughts long enough to drift into a good sleep.

I had a very nice weekend with friends. Good food, fun, and baby gifts. As I opened baby gifts again I couldn't help but think, "Am I really opening baby shower presents again?? And more boy gifts???" I still feel like I should be seeing pink instead of blue. I am really trying not to complain these last few weeks and just enjoy feeling the movement of life inside of me because I don't know if I will experience pregnancy again. With Jaxson I was so sure that I was not going to have anymore that I never had sad moments where I thought, "Oh, enjoy this phase because you will never experience it again" With this one, I am feeling that way. Which makes me a little sad because then I think to myself, this must be the last one. Then I get a nice kick to the ribs or the spine and I think, "Oh, I hope I never have to go through this again"

Jaxson has yet another cold. He has been coughing all weekend and not acting like himself. (meaning he is quiet and just relaxed instead of sassy and calling the shots) I have started to notice that he gets this cough and congestion when it damp outside......I'm beginning to suspect that maybe he has some asthma?

Connor has been so helpful lately. I forget sometimes how old he is getting and still tend to look at him as a toddler.....it is so hard to look at him and realize he is now a little boy. He has started helping me clean the house and is really good at cleaning the floors for me. He certainly fits the personality type for the oldest child. He is very responsible and sometimes it makes me sad that he doesn't act more like a 7 year old child as much as he should. He is very diligent about keeping his eyes on Jaxson and letting me know when he is doing something he should not. Connor gets up every morning and makes himself a bowl of cereal and is thoughtful enough to make his brother his daily toaster struddle. He does not like to be late for anything and gets teary eyed if we are a little late getting to his school in the morning and he is not the first one waiting at the door. I realize that I tend to update alot about Jaxson and share alot of stories about him and Connor is often not mentioned as much and it has nothing to do with favorites. Jaxson just is so energetic and full of mischief that he keeps me so busy all day. My time is often consumed with him. Connor is so quiet and has just had the ability to know between right and wrong from the time he was little that he slips by like a little ghost sometimes.

Both of my boys are so loving and sweet. (even Jaxson when he is spilling M&Ms all over the floor or wandering the house at night) and I know that nothing I ever accomplish in my life will be as great as being able to be their mother. It isn't always easy but it is DEFINITELY worth it.

2010-03-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

I put my foot in my mouth. I complained about dreaming lately and my punishment is insomnia. It is 2 AM and my stomach is in knots and I cant sleep.